Who am I?

Maybe in response to my last blog post, I have been self-evaluating myself quite a bit lately.  Granted a lot of that may have something to do with the fact that my work life is also completely different than it was 4 months ago.  It was then when I completed another school year as an English teacher at a local private school here in Puebla and decided to begin working online.  I knew then that none of that would be easy and that it would require my becoming accustomed to it.  Especially being that I so miss my colleagues from my last school terribly!

When I decided to become a virtual assistant online, I knew that my schedule was not going to be full right from the beginning.  For this reason, I also sought out a second job online that had more flexible hours when compared to my 9-5 working hours as a virtual assistant.  My second job became teaching English through a teacher’s portal in China…much more flexible hours.  The pay is really good and so it allows me to not stress about the fact that my virtual assistant position has not yet reached a 30 hour work week.

But then last week, the strangest thing happened…and maybe it’s something I’ve realized all along but just never acknowledged it out loud.  My virtual assistant team leader accused me of “not caring.”  Huh?…what does that mean?  I’ve always been a very passionate person and caring about so many causes and missions in life.  How could I be accused of not caring?

Let me share with you some context, my current team spends the day (from early moring until late at night) chatting in a Skype group.  That’s fine.  I have no complaints…chat away!  Sometimes I stick my head in and say “Good Morning!”  or that I hope everyone has a great weekend.  As they ALL share pics of their adorable children everyday, I might make an “How adorable!” comment…though being that I don’t have any children, I tend to not share much more than that.  Privately, I communicate with many of them about work related issues, especially my team leader thouh no one seems overly concerned with my private life…only that I am able to get their work done on time.

But I am certainly not a “chatty cathy” on our shared Skype group, mainly becaue I am normally just busy working between this job and my third job of transcribing old jounals to make a few extra bucks each month with my free time.  But does that mean that I don’t care about these women…who  I’ve never spoken to on the phone or seen live?  And does the fact that I prefer to spend my time actually working over chatting at the “Virtual Water Cooler,” give my team leader the right to accuse me of not caring?  Or did I maybe ust misunderstand her intent?

So for the last 5 days, I’ve been seriously self-evaluating myself.  Do I not care about anyone else?  Or have I just turned inwards completely in the last 5 years or so, not spending too muh time reaching out to people who I never hear back from?  Am I just tired of being disappointed by the friends of mine whom I used to share so much with then and began to reach out to all the time and who have just assumed to never see me again?  And can I blame them?  I do live some 3k miles away from them!  It happens and it’s ok…I’m not even upset about it.  I have made new friends and have begun to do different things with my time and my life.  But maybe I just never learned the art of “bullshitting” as a woman who seems to be unhappily married and always complaining about something (tiredness, children, time mgmt, in-laws, etc.)  Another reason why I don’t partake in the daily banter on Skype.  I don’t have anyting to necessarily complain about…I’ve always been a big proponent of the expression:  “If you’re unhappy in your life,  then it’s up to you to change it!”

I have also mentioned in a past blog about the peaks & valleys of the lives of my co-workers and how I appreciate that we all go through them but that I am not really one to cry to anyone online about things that don’t concern them.  Does that mean I don’t care about them?  I’ve always considered myself to be supportive in the lives of all my friends and family members…of course always feeling terrible when realizing something happened that I wasn’t aware of.  But I am not the type of person to bother anyone…until there is something wrong for them to need someone to talk to about.  I guess I just hope that should there ever be something wrong, that they will reach out to me, knowing that I am not the fair weather friend who only calls when things are hunky dory in my own life.  That I am a great listener and am extremely motivational in my attitude toward life.  Though I guess if I never open up to anyone to show my weaknesses, I guess they’ll never do the same with me.

So in answer to my question, “Who am I?” I wish to say that I am a person who cares so deeply about my friends and family members that maybe I hope that they do live a pristine life where nothing ever goes wrong.  Maybe I exist in a dream where everyone is always good and that they live a life set to a standard that I have not reached yet.  I am an overachiever who never stops learning and reading and working in an effort to not just earn more money, but also to increase my potential to earn more money.  I have many friends and family members surrounding me at all times who I think of all the time and wonder about, hoping that they are all well.  I try to rotate through a group of close friends with whom I have shared much time with over the years, yet always missing those whose lives are so far away, with the distance of an entire country between us.

So in defense to my team leader, I wish to say that I do care about many things and many people.  And if this is an effort to ask for help or an ear to talk to, there are easier ways to get that from me.  Otherwise, as a team leader, I hope that one day she will respect my desire to work, rather than be social during working hours.  And I hope that one day to be appreciated for being that hard working guy rather than the one who is always complaining like the rest of them…that’s not what I want to do in order to be popular with your team.  Sorry!

Love to all my past friends!  Miss you all terribly!  xoxoxo!

One thought on “Who am I?

Add yours

  1. Hi Catherine
    I can so relate to this. In past jobs the
    Perception of me often was based on the social aspects- if I stayed
    for faculty room banter , laughed enough at bad jokes or “showed
    up in other ways ” .. rather than the
    quality of work, etc.
    Seems to be an art as to how to engage and not waste time!?
    Have a lovely Thanksgiving!
    Miss you


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