There really are two types of people out there…Renters and Owners. What do I mean by that? Come on, you must know! We really are two different types. There are those who just don’t…or can’t…find something to tie themselves down to. They may seem courageous to the outside world…always moving…making fresh starts where most would succumb to a feeling of defeat. But when they move on…they still don’t tie themselves down to anything permanent. They stick with something temporary…an apt that they just pay rent for…neighbors they don’t make lasting relationships with because they know they won’t be there forever. They don’t shop for anything permanent because when their lease is up, it’s all getting trashed anyway.
Personally, I’ve always been a renter. But I’ve always longed to be an “Owner.” I want to find a place where I can grow old. I want to lay down roots some place. I want a house that is set to my design…the style that I have in my dreams…I’m tired of still being (in my opinion) forced to pay rent to some other owner to live in their house.
I tried once to own a place…but that didn’t really work out that well for me. I feel like I should have gotten an “E” for effort…but I really didn’t deserve it. I would think that once you have a “permanent” place, then it makes you think more permanently…you choose a boyfriend who may be around for a while…instead of the next cute drug addict you meet. (I was young…still believed I could talk a guy off drugs…whatever…I learned my lesson.)
But now I look at the life I’ve had since the end of that relationship 15 years ago…and I am living in another country, have been paying rent ever since, and still have not found the place where I want to lay down my roots yet. I always think that my next move will be my last…then another relationship ends and I find myself needing to move just to be able to make a fresh start…another fresh start. Anytime something like that happens, there are always butterflies in your stomach and the thought that maybe going back would be easier. And then I have to remember that when things appear in the rear view mirror…they need to remain in the rear view mirror. It doesn’t mean that maybe one day there isn’t a chance that things could be better or different with the people in your life…but it does mean that you still need to change. You need to stop relying on other people to help you lay down those roots.
It’s clear to me now. In order for that to happen, I need to do it alone. That’s how I was raised…that’s what I was taught…the only person…the ONLY person…I can rely on…is myself. And that’s for happiness, dependability, love, trust…all those things people look for in their significant others. If you are not happy within…it makes no difference how many jokes your man comes with! They aren’t going to make you happy for long. And as much as he adores you…you must love yourself first before anyone else can get in. If you have a lot of self-hatred within yourself, it doesn’t matter what that man says. There’s no beating down that wall into your heart.
I wish I could be different…more trusting..more open to the love of someone else. But it’s amazing how much more content I am when there’s no one in my life with the right to judge me or share with me their opinions of my faults. I see my faults…I recognize when I am rude, inconsiderate, thoughtless, etc….but I also see when I am compassionate, loving, supportive, respectful and just plain nice to others and I feel like those qualities outweigh my bad mood moments when I’m probably just taking a low blood sugar out on the person next to me. So for now, yes, I continue to be a renter. But I do see that I need to overcome this obstacle we call “life” by myself. Once I have crossed over to the other side and have become an “Owner” of a house where I can lay down my own roots, I’m not saying that I won’t let anyone in. It’s just that I need to do all that before I should even consider it so that I can better identify myself as the person I am…not the person I want to be.