What language do you speak?

I still don’t get it.  I have never considered myself to be needy…never thought of myself as someone who necessarily needs approval for all of the things I do or decide to do with my life…success or failure.  I’ve also never blamed anyone for my failures.  Circumstances, maybe, but I put myself into them.  I made my life decisions, no one else did, so on days when I found myself laying on my face, I didn’t say it was anyone’s fault or that it was someone’s resposibility to pick me up.  God knows that was the first lesson my mother taught me!  …how to get back on the horse…of course, I don’t remember why she taught me that at such a young age.

Regardless, I do still have dealings with other people.  I may work alone or for a company rather, that employs just me, but I also have investments I made with various members of my immediate family.  Yes, it was my decision to make those investments so the fact that the money was completely lost is no one’s fault, except my own and so I would never hold anyone at fault, except for myself.  But at the same time, these members of my immediate family still don’t seem to understand why it’s so important to repay debts to me.  Having taken advantage of my overly generous nature when I, of course, lent them money when they needed it, I now sit here, asking myself what kind of a person would I have been had I not lent my own brother money to help him buy a house for his family?!?!  

Of course, then I also ask myself how I didn’t expect that same brother to basically tell me to “Go scratch” when I asked him to maybe start paying me back that money.  Seriously?!?!  What does that mean?  I always read funny sayings about how the best way to lose a friend was to lend them money.  Hahaha!  But not my brother!  He’s such an honest, stand up guy!  I must have misunderstood.  Right?  Maybe not.

Now, several years later, after years of fighting and crying and insults being thrown back and forth across phone lines and through gossip chains and through other deals that were thrown in my face to take responsbility for…I pray that something good will come out of it.  Maybe my father will witness this whole transaction and at least, I don’t know, take pity on me or my plight to get my money back.  Help me to understand from what perspective my brother may be dealing from or at least help me see where I must be misperceiving, some comment or action made against me…only to be told how it’s just my fault…how I should just learn to forget the past and move on.  Why can’t I just stop fighting with my brother?  Really?

God, I hope my mother just flipped in her grave!  I live my relationship with my brother and father while experiencing such frustration because we all came from the same household…my brother and I grew up in the same house.  So he must have at least witnessed it when I learned about the difference between right and wrong! How my mother would have sold her own body to pay back a debt…regardless of how small.  I know my brother saw that…I know that his wife saw it while she practically grew up in my mother’s house as well.  Yet, I am still made to feel ostracized by the only members of my immediate family still existing.  Continuously being made to think that I must be the crazy one to be expecting such things as a debt to be repaid or an apology to be expressed for the almost racist comments made to me over the last 6 years by people who are so damn ignorant that I am embarrassed to say we’re even related!  

But why am I raving like this on such a public forum?  Because I need to put this whole thing into the rear view mirror…like so many other things in my life…and this just seems like the best way to do that.  So please, don’t pity me…don’t feel sorry for me.  It was my fault for being the overly generous sibling, instead of the bitch I’ve turned into for being made to feel like the jerk with unsatisfied expectations.  Smack me once, shame on you…smack me twice, shame on me.

Peace out!

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