How to change my beliefs… How to erase negative thoughts about myself… What do I consider to be positive reinforcement? What would be a reward for the decisions or the actions I’ve made or taken? What would that look like?
They say that our beliefs are based on rules or examples set for us as children. Well, if that’s true, then what about my childhood lead me to believe that being in a relationship/marriage with a child was the route that I needed to be on? Why did I always believe that it had to be my ultimate goal when nothing about my life ever lead me in that direction?
I’ve had long term relationships but as I entered them, it was not with the intention of my eventually being married to the guy. But then something would happen…I would start thinking that was just the guy I’d be with forever. Why? Because I was completely devoted to him and he knew it and maybe had never felt so close to a woman before so it just made sense for both of us? Then when the relationship goes bust, I feel all deserted and abandoned and alone and incapable of making my own decisions…deciding where I want to spend the rest of my life, where I want to travel to or even eat for dinner. Incapable of remembering what my plan had been before I met the guy to begin with. Or should I just be making a different plan? What would that look like right now?
When I compare the overall state of myself after the relationships to the state of myself before the relationships, I do consider myself to have been in better financial condition, maybe even with a stronger head on my shoulders…having just experienced a long-term relationship during which I matured and grew older during. I look at the jobs I had after the relationships and compared them to the jobs I had before the relationships and consider myself to be a better earner who is more pleased with what I was doing to earn it, using my education more and challenging myself more mentally than I did before.
But why do I believe that now I am unworthy of being in another, long-term relationship, superior to the last ones? Just like after the end of my last unsuccessful relationship? Why do I believe that I am now “used goods”? Leftovers that no one would want? Since my ex didn’t want me, then why would someone else want me? What in my childhood taught me that? Was it just all the crap my brother used to flap about his immature teenage relationships that just stuck, since no adult ever gave me dating advice? Or the fact that my mother always stayed instead of trying to find the man who gave her the attention and devotion she deserved? Or even gave being single a try?!?!
I look around me at the women in my life who are in relationships (most married) and the number of them who are happy is very few. They seem to make excuses for their spouses and maybe stay because there are children involved…one of the reasons why my mother always stayed, I believe. So, in the end, I should feel bad for having kept that woman in a relationship that never satisfied her just because of me and my brother. Sorry Mom!
Maybe, had she never been married, or had she never had children and so eventually left my father, she would have found that happiness she deserved. My mother was not in her element. In what way? Well, she was just never on the same page or wavelength as those who surrounded her for so many years. She kind of existed in her own reality of positivity and self-preservation in the most self-less way she could have. She didn’t care what the neighbors thought of her and never tried to measure up to them. She was always reading and filling her mind with stories of all types by some really great authors…ones I’ve picked up in the past 12 years and wished I had read while she was still alive so we could have chatted about those books. Maybe that’s where my beliefs come from?
I am extremely positive (like my mother) and nothing thrilled me more than when I lived in NYC and was always the single (while always dating someone) free spirit who just did what came to mind at the moment. Though it wasn’t enough…which was why I walked away from all of that to travel to Mexico to dive and where I met someone who had seemed to fill in all my empty spots…until now. I believed that I didn’t need anything else so long as he and I were together…and now we’re not. So now what? Do I go back to where I came from to earn the money I used to earn and where I could just blend in with people more like me…single, free-spirits without a responsibility or care in the world? Or do I stay here in Mexico where everyone is in a relationship and who treats me like there must be something wrong with me since I’m not? Or is that just in my own “belief bubble” and is that the belief I need to change and stop allowing my imagination to run away with itself?
Maybe I should give it till the end of 2017, see what happens here and within my own personal and professional life before I rush into any hasty decisions. NYC will always be there for me and will always welcome me home with open arms…but before I go running back there, I still believe that I have some unfinished business here.