I keep trying to understand myself. I keep trying to understand why I’m having such difficulties moving on with my life after recently ending a 5 year relationship with a man who I had truly believed I was going to spend the rest of my life with. And no one’s fault, I guess we just both just fell out of love with eachother…I guess it happens.
But how do I feel about that? Do I truly feel as though I can seriously never care for another man again? Why do I just keep coming up with reasons why things with that guy won’t work because… or with this guy because…? Have I lost hope that I will ever find someone I could share my life with?
I just read an article about “self-love” and how until we learn how to love ourselves, then we can just never find someone who will love us. I sit here and I think about what that must be like…to actually consider myself to be perfect or without fault. I can’t imagine that…I mean I feel like after the many trials and tribulaions that have occurred in my life, that it must be some form of payback for something I did wrong.
And don’t get me wrong, I am able to admit to the faulty decisions I’ve made during my life, but just always blamed them on the bad information (or rather lack of knowledge) I had at the time. But I do believe that I have learned from each of my mistakes so then why can’t I just fall into a relationship that works this time?
This same article also talks about how if you find yourself judging others…it’s because you are recognizing faults in others that you feel as though you possess as well…just to not as bad a degree as you see in other people. Hmmmmm…that’s really interesting…because maybe that is one of my problems. I recognize faults in other people when I should really be correcting my own.
I do feel as though I must be a terrible person and that’s why I’ve been left alone by most people in my life…though is it me who pushes them away? I’ve always had problems asking people for help or company but rather have convinced myself that I just prefer to be alone anyway. As a matter of fact, I’ve conditioned myself to be alone so well that I am sometimes afraid that if I was around other people, then I wouldn’t even know how to behave properly.
I look at my own life and see that there are so many areas that are lacking…putting aside the fact that I am not in an intimate relationship…and maybe I had been kidding myself for the last year or so that we were together…truly convincing myself that it was just a rough spot instead of the fact that it was the end of our relationship. I almost feel as though I’ve turned myself into a recluse…saying to myself, “Well, if I had a car, I feel as though I would get out more…” but then why don’t I have my own car yet? Or I say, well I don’t have the right outfit to wear or maybe my Spanish is not sufficient enough anyway…so I should just stay home anyway.
I fill my life with distractions…I work all day for clients who can’t see me, but who rather just email or Skype me tasks they require I perform and then after work, I just fill the remainder of my days with trips to the gym or mindless TV programs so that I am never forced to really look in the mirror at who I’ve become during the past 5 yrs. I know that I am no longer young enough to offer a man a family…and maybe that’s my biggest issue.
I don’t think that I ever understood that I was really never going to one day have a child…and that hole cannot be filled by a man who is only willing to take me to the movies or out to dinner each week…it’s just not enough and maybe that’s what about myself I can never love. I just waited too long until suddenly it was no longer possible and until I can accept that about myself, that article is right, I will never love myself enough to allow a man into my life again. I guess I just need to stop fighting that.
C’est la vie…