Ok, I have my goals all set…I have a plan! I am not going to sit here and do nothing! I am going to go out there and find a new life for myself. That’s my plan! But I’m so tired. I don’t want to have to go out there and do anything! I don’t want to have to change anything…I just want the world to stop spinning so I can get off.
I am tired of moving and packing and changing to fit another environment. I just want things to be fine how they are. Why can I never just be happy with the way things are right now? Why am I always looking to get somewhere or go someplace? Is that the NY in me? Why do I have to be the one to leave? Why can’t the world just leave me alone?
Yes, the apartment in Mexico City would be great! But it’s not going to be easy. I have discovered that a small, shitty place in the area where I want to move will cost me four times what my place here costs me! WOW! Here I am thinking I’m saving so much money each month so I should be able to find a place a bit out of my current price range…but not four times it! And then the cost of living will obviously be higher…I’ll be living in a City. Restaurants and probably supermarkets and the places where I spend money now…will be more expensive there…
So how do I implement this new dream of mine? Or am I just still trying to run away from myself? How can I make any new friends if I don’t go anywhere because I feel so crummy about who I’ve become? Would it matter if I lived here, Mexico City or the moon? Or would I still be in the same boat because I’ve become so un-motivated to do anything?
I give advice to friends a lot…friends who come to me for advice…friends who have viewed me as having been the tough one who has always lived her life according to a list of rules…rules that I have broken myself so many times in the past 8 months that I don’t even know what to do myself. But my friends come to me for advice and I tell them what to do…and then I look in the mirror and see that I am not doing that! I am not staying busy to keep my mind off my mistakes and my past and that guy…instead I’m sitting home, breaking those rules in my own life and I’m not staying busy to distract myself into getting through another day. I’m staying home and I’m wallowing in my own self-pity, trying to understand how after so much preparation and so many plans for my life…I still have ended up alone and without a family…and in my case, living in a different country where seriously no one seems to give a shit about me (except for my select few).
And I ask myself, the same thing I’d ask my friends…what are you doing with your life? Come on! Make a goal for yourself! I mean, what is a life without goals? My objectives have just changed in the past year…but it doesn’t mean that I don’t have any now, does it? Or do I just not consider them to be as important as the ones I had during this time last year? Do my goals & objectives need to be more substantial than…”Ok, so long as you finish this project, then you can take yourself to the movies tonight.”? Maybe…
So maybe that’s what it is, I just need to set bigger goals…long-term goals…that are more achievable. During my recent training, I learned about SMART goals. And yes, they are business-related…the acronym standing for Specific Measurable Achievable Realistic Timely. I think that I am forgetting about the achievable part of my goals. And I think i may not be thinking realistically about my own self-expectations. And I think that what is really killing me is how alone I am suddenly feeling…like no one gives a shit if I come or go…like no one is measuring my progress and it doesn’t matter where I end up or when. I miss having someone in my corner who was supporting me and taking my back no matter what. I’m not used to doing this all alone again and until I get used to it again, none of my goals will matter because I won’t be motivated to implement any of them. That’s the truth and I need to accept that it’s just me and that no one is going to hold my hand anymore or force me to drink the water. As far as the world is concerned, I could die of thirst.