While I was in my 20’s-early 30’s, I remember having to listen to the drama from my friends about the relationships they had chosen to be in. These were new relationships…not necessarily really meant to make it till the end of time. Though at what age do we not think we’re already adults (even at age 7 while walking around the apt. in our mother’s high heels)? I was never into planning or needing a relationship myself, so I feel like I saved myself from so much of that drama that tends to come when someone is desperate not to be alone and maybe stays in a relationship for the wrong reasons. I was in relationships when I couldn’t find my way out of them, but it was never a MUST in my life…I never looked for them. I learned how to, and demonstrated to myself many times that I could, live and exist alone…even in a foreign country where I didn’t speak the language. And I get that not too many can say the same thing. (And I’m not saying that how I am is right…mind you…it’s just the only way I know how to be.)
I remember this one friend I had who would see me everyday and would share with me more (and more) stories about fights she was having with her then-boyfriend at the time…and if she ever came up for air, I may have thrown in a few times…”If you’re so miserable with him, why don’t you break up with him?” I’m sure you can imagine where that conversation went…He didn’t want to be with her, he hadn’t wanted to stop going out with his friends every night, he hated her parents, they shared no common interests, etc. etc. etc. OMG!
As many of you know, I have a brother who I have witnessed making the lives of his girlfriends miserable. I remember at one point, he happen to be dating three different girls with the same name…I can tell you how fun taking messages for him was (you know…before we had cell phones where we could keep all that stuff secret). And I used to ask him, “Why do you do that to these girls?” I could tell you, by his reaction, that the well-being of these poor girls, who he was not only two-timing…but three-timing…was that he could care less about how they felt. Ugh!
I personally always believed that the position held by the person who you’ve chosen to be your “guy/girl,” “boyfriend/girlfriend,” or even “husband/wife” should be held by someone whom you respect. Someone who you look forward to seeing…someone you might do your hair for or put on makeup. Someone who gives you jitters in your stomach…like you were still only 12 years old…or 25, looking forward to your first date. Not someone who (if I remember those three high school girls who were crazy about my brother right) is too blinded to see how dishonest you’ve been with them.
And I also get that relationships change…but how many times have you stopped to say, “Hmmm, we’ve fallen into a rut”? Whatever happened to that guy or girl I met 5-10-20 years ago? Does s/he still exist within this wo/man I still share my life with? Or is s/he M.I.A.? (M.I.A. is when someone can no longer act the part they were playing to impress you in the beginning…while they were fooling you into believing that they were that guy/girl you had dreamed of your whole life.)
I also get that children tend to change relationships as well. And while I’ve never been married and still don’t have any children (at least none that I know of)…I truly believe that it is soooo important to, once a month or twice a month…get a babysitter…there are tons of starving teenagers out there dying to be invited over to watch your angel sleep during R-rated movies while you and your husband/wife go out to the movies… a bar for drinks…dinner…whatever! It’s so important that you know who you are co-existing with. Ask your man/woman, “How was your day, dear?” And truly listen to what they say. And when s/he asks you in return, don’t say “Fine.” Don’t say, “Cool.” Be honest…talk about you! Talk about both of you together!
Tell him/her how much you miss intimacy like when you were single (without kids/dogs/in-laws, etc.). Be young and flirtatious…remind each other where that spark might still remain. Because I’m sure it’s still in there…there is no such thing as being too old/mature/responsible…not to wake up naked together again. So ladies & gentlemen, if that means hitting the yoga mat or going for a run to feel better about yourself…then do it!! No one will appreciate the effort more than the person you have decided to at least share the next few months with…not to mention the rest of your life with. (Speaking to my married friends…xoxoxox)