…because I need to get off.
I have always been the tough one among my friends. Not that I’m unnecessarily daring or anything. I’ve more been the one who had supported my friends in accomplishing things while accomplishing the same things along side them…like saying…”Look if I can do it, so can you!” So whether it was us jumping off a cliff into freezing cold water or diving so deep you become totally narced…or even just something like quitting smoking or graduating from college! I was always the one to try to accomplish anything! Mind over matter.
Sometimes trying some things may have gotten me into a lot of trouble. And I believe that I may have lost friends who may have found themselves in states while next to me that scared them so they never called me again. I get it and don’t worry, I also probably should not have been walking down that road anyway. I mean there’s expanding your mind…and then there’s going some place you can’t find your way back home from.
But lately, while being single again and without family, I’ve kind of been on my own again. And it’s not like I’m jumping off cliffs…but I am feeling the same way I did after my mother passed…which only lead me to pretty self-destructive actions. Like saying to myself, “It’s ok if I do that today since no one will see me and it will all be ok tomorrow.” Remember I don’t tend to suffer from too much drinking or smoking…I always wind up back on my feet, as always and I always find my way home.
But is that the life that I want for myself again? Days of not feeling anything because that’s easier than realizing that I’m here on my own with no one to catch me? Or do I just keep going like I always have…not needing anyone to be there to catch me since I keep things “in moderation” so it’s ok if I overdo it every once in a while? I always do find my way home and I always end up back on my feet. Granted, even though I am alone here, I don’t feel alone. I have tons of people communicating with me all the time!
Just today…simultaneously I was either texting, Skyping or emailing people from three different countries…two from far different places in Mexico, two from the States and someone who is visiting Spain…and the conversations included upcoming plans to visit the States, a work related conversation regarding a training program, an upcoming Spanish class with a super good friend, photos and videos of places I’ll probably never have the money to visit and just all around gossip…and it all happened at the same time as I sat in my office in Puebla with my dog sleeping on the chair behind me. How did we ever exist without technology?!?!
But at the end of the day, I would like personal contact. I want to have to present myself to someone. Make myself look good for them…whether that be for a friend of mine with whom I work out in order to demonstrate how good our workouts have been doing…or for a friend/relative I haven’t seen in a while to whom I may not want to look as old as I’ve actually become…or for the man in my life to make him feel as special as he makes me feel.
I have not felt motivated for a while and maybe have grown a bit bored. (Granted I’m about to fly up to visit super good friends of mine in NYC…which could be why I’m feeling so anxious.) I have literally a MILLION things to do while I’m up there that I can barely sit in my seat in anticipation! I almost want to start packing now…even though my flight is still 9 days off…but that would be silly since I still have to wear the clothes I plan to pack! And maybe I am just being a jerk about not feeling like doing YOGA today and would prefer to just sit here and run the world from my computer…something I am really enjoying being able to do these days.
Whatever my reasons are, I have just promised myself that as soon as I finish this blog, I will do my YOGA (with my dog beating me in the head with his balled up socks during my full body stretches) before taking a long shower and crashing on my couch for the next episode of Ray Donovan. I actually have a lot to be excited and proud of in myself…I did just receive the promotion I had been working so hard to attain and with it, an invitation came to me to visit a facility in Santa Barbara, CA for 5 days in the spring. (I know, I really need to stop myself from ever feeling bad about my life.)
I guess it’s just time for me to envision my next set of goals rather than say, “Ok, now it’s ok to get messy since you’ve just accomplished so much!” Instead, I need to start looking forward again and decide what my next step in life is. Where do I now see myself in the next year…two years…five years? I keep saying I want to buy a house…or rather build a house…it’s just that whole money thing that keeps stopping me. I’m so afraid to make a commitment with a bank to pay more than is possible for me to potentially earn over the next 15 years. Rent is easy…you can just walk away from it. But owning a house is huge!! Am I making myself into someone that isn’t worthy of being a homeowner because the idea of owning a house still scares the shit out of me?
Like anything else in life, I always feel as though if it’s meant to be, then when the time comes, it will just fall into my lap. I just hope that time is soon.