This one is my dream…

Those of you who do not know my “story,” I invite you to read my story here to save me from having to repeat it, allowing me to pick up where I am now.  And I don’t mean to be rude about it, but it has gotten super tiresome for me to keep explaining my story, even here as well.  As proud as I am to discuss with people how much I love my life here down in Mexico, I am not sure that anyone actually understands that I am not referring to a “temporary” or vacation type of life but that I am here to stay where I plan to continue living the life I have.

I have had many friends while living in the two places in Mexico that I’ve called home (Cozumel and Puebla) who have been from “some place else.”  Yes, I am from some place else too…but I do not still have that “some place else” to return to.  These friends of mine may have been from Monterrey, Cancun, Mexico City, Puebla (while I was in Cozumel), Vera Cruz, San Luis Potosi, or any of the many States within the U.S. where they still had family (parents, grandparents, siblings, cousins, relatives and family that they could always return to).

Maybe when I left the States, I had a brother who I had felt I could fall back on someday, and maybe it’s because that turned out to be so wrong that I have really dug my claws into where I am now.  I guess first it was Cozumel, and the man I was with at the time had lead me to Puebla where I have made some of the most amazing friendships with woman that I would NEVER be able to walk away from.  Though things with that man didn’t work out, I may have even realized that I could never dig my claws into a life with a man, but rather into a life for me.  And it’s these friendships with the women now in my life that have lead me to the life that I can have without the help of a man.

I think that while one of my weaknesses has always been my being able to ask for help, I also believe that another weakness is that when I accept help, I feel weak.  I feel like a child who needed to ask and accept help from another…like I”m a dumb girl who can’t figure shit out for myself…someone who needs help to get situated.  Yet, I feel as though I have accomplished so much during the past 15 months since I ended my relationship with that man that it amazes me what I have accomplished (both professionally and personally) without anyone’s assistance.  I travel more while alone, study and pursue high levels of work and challenges while alone…and maybe my biggest fear of another “serious relationship” is that all those things would stop during my next serious relationship…not intentionally but because then I would believe that he and I would be one and that we would need to be supporting each other’s pursuits, blindly…unconditionally.  Regardless of the damage that support would bring to our own lives.  But would it be two-sided?

95e3a770-fa9d-0133-f1b0-0aacbc4f5d01Who else can tell me how easy it is to lose yourself in a relationship…to turn off your own dreams and desires only to find yourself working and supporting the man in your life instead of yourself and your own pursuits?  How many of you can say how afraid you are to find yourself lost in ANOTHER relationship that will result in you not obtaining what you had wanted to by that age or place in your life and you see the man you supported move on to the next thing in his life without any regrets for not having supported you in the dreams you had never even told him you had.  You may walk away resenting him for not having fulfilled your dreams, but if you never told him about them, then why is he to blame for that?

Isn’t that what defines a “serious” relationship with a man?  The day when you are able to share your dreams with him…not just him telling you where he wants to go?  No offense, but there are few men in the world who don’t lead me to agree with that old saying:  “if you want to talk about doing something get a man, if you want something done, ask a woman to do it.”  But I can tell you that if you don’t even tell a guy that you want to do something, then when you don’t do it…you really can’t blame him.  Because I can tell you that when it comes to things that he wants to do, he will do them and if you are there to support him, then he will be grateful of your support.  But trust me, those things would have happened with or without you.  Not because of you.



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