We have plans. We all hope to one day end up in a certain lifestyle or living situation. We probably all dream of ending up a beach somewhere with no cares in the world, to a point. Some of us are married, have children and then our children become our life. Everything we do, we do for our children. But we can’t have children alone, so first comes a spouse, someone who should at some point be the center of our life as well.
I guess I’ve always thought that I would just some day have a family. I was often fearful of serious relationships, not wanting to end up in a situation where one day I’d wake up married to the “wrong” guy, but I always felt as though the child I had (while married, single or whatever) would be my life. I’d be able to see within my child a part of me, my mother and be able to care for it unconditionally, the way my mother had done me.
I also understood that there are limitations as to how long I could have a child…thinking that around 35 is when I needed to make my plan. My living circumstances did change dramatically at that age though, I moved to Cozumel to dive and what’s funny is that I did still make that plan…I thought I was with the right guy who had also wanted a child, like me. A guy who came from a strong family and, while yes we may have had “problems” on and off over the years, we would have worked them out for the good of the prospect of us having a family. So I had not thought I had to make another plan for myself. We were happy and content, yes our relationship changed as we moved and adjusted to new environments, but when it still worked. And when it came to me being 40, I had not thought that I would run into any obstacles…like suddenly that guy no longer wanted a child (for whatever reason my brain will never be able to fathom).
But that translated into the end of that relationship for me. I realized that there was too much going on that I was not aware of and too many things that I had not been explained, so I ended it. (As hard as that was.) Now I’m two years older, definitely too old to casually have a child and so not able to present myself to anyone new as potentially one day being a mother. Just like no new relationship for me can ever present itself to me as being the potential to one day be a family. How sad.
My friend suggests adoption. I have nothing against adoption, I think that people who adopt are amazing, self-less people. I have a cousin who was adopted and raised as though she was part of the family, no questions asked…by my entire family. Many of whom have passed. Could I adopt? Yes, but it’s just me. I don’t have a large family or a man with a family who has taken me in the way I was taken in before…probably by a family who also looked at me as being a potential child bearer. But the magic of having a child is to see yourself within the child you have, teach them what you learned while growing up to see if they might react similarly to you based on the genes you passed on.
I’m not young anymore, it’s been a LONG time since I ever could have been a young bride (not really something I ever needed, necessarily). But now it’s too dangerous for me to even have a child. I mean…42 tomorrow…and that is that limit met. I now just need to be comfortable with the fact that I have allowed that time to pass and that it will be no more. Something that I have wanted and thought about my whole life…one day, when I have a child, I’ll make sure he/she knows this…sees this…travels here with me…etc., etc., etc. I guess I can stop thinking that now.
Never might I see what color hair I might pass down to my child or eyes or physique. Never might I see what temperament my child might inherit from me and my crazy family of genes, not to mention whomever I might have had the child with.
So while 2 years ago I was introduced to my life as a single woman after having practically been married for 5 years…I guess now I will need to become accustomed to being a woman who can no longer have children…regardless of what my “plan” may have once been. My infinite plan…where I will “one day” end up…has just drastically changed. It’s time to accept that and move on.