Two days ago, I wrote about how accepting I’ve become (or am becoming…I do hear it’s a process) that I will not be bearing any of my own children. It was an emotion I had that night and I wrote about it…as I do a lot when it comes time for me to write in my blog. I become passionate about a feeling, and I decide I should share it with the world, where it comes from and where it might take me…allowing my reader to feel better how they also may be feeling at the time.
The reactions from my close friends and readers was strong though, anything from sadness to understanding to “Wow, beautiful post that really seemed to hit it right on the head.” One particular response was how they felt as though my life must have been ruined. Actually, quite the contrary!
Last night, I went out with my “cuz” to celebrate my 42nd birthday…we ate in an amazing steakhouse on Juarez and then ended up at an Irish Gin Mill that had one of the better live Rock bands I’ve heard in a while. Playing songs by Pearl Jam, AC/DC and ZZ Top…much beyond the normal limits of most Rock bands that stick with the Guns ‘n Roses and Aerosmith standards. (I even went up and introduced myself to the singer and told them how awesome I thought they were.)
Back to my party…My cuz and I drank red wine and laughed and cheered about the many adventures we’ve shared in just the past 2 years. (“Cuz, I’m not feelin’ this.” I think was the favorite line I have heard stated from my travel companion anytime she has felt uneasy or nervous based on our surroundings.) And to be honest, I can’t remember exactly how she explained my memorable line as I’ve talked her out of hysteria or panic…though I’m sure I’ve had quite a few.
I have always called a spade a spade and am now proud of that quality in myself. My mother used to accuse me of always having scored a 0 in diplomacy…but what fun would life be if I could not speak how I felt?
So I look back at my life, as a newly turned 42 year old woman who has no children, and I certainly don’t see where there may have ever been room for me to have had them to begin with. My life has had a lot of ups and downs and moving and traveling and adventures that never stopped. And I don’t see that ever stopping any time soon. With vacations planned to remote beaches in Mexico after the new year to one of the nicer parts of California for a work thing to a beautiful part of Florida to spend time with two of the most important people in my life…I don’t really see myself getting bored or unsettled.
Every once in a while, as another one of my most cherished friends so astutely put it, I might see what I imagine to be a happy mother with a beautiful child in stroller or carriage and the thought might cross my mind…wow, that really would have been so cool, to have become a mother. But I’m pretty sure there are a lot more women out there of all ages who look at me and my life who say to themselves, “Shit, I wish I had stayed single so I could have had her life.”
I never made the conscious decision to “have this life.” But at the end of the day, I would not have lived any part of my life any other way. No regrets…I scream it from the roof tops all the time. I stand behind every decision I have ever made in life…as impulsive and irresponsible and out of control, any one of you may have judged them. And I made those decisions based on the knowledge I had at the time (and any new stimuli I might still have around me) and I have always ended up with my feet back on the ground.
Mistakes? We have all made them…but I try to learn from them. And while I warn any new friends or lovers I meet all the time, I am fearless and that is not always a good thing…I still feel as though I got this life, and any consequences that it may still hold for me. I am still willing to get thrown down into the mud based on an emotion or action I choose to take because I still remember how to brush myself off and start over again.
Best quote ever? “Not for the faint of heart.” Well I’d like to complete that statement with “My life is not for the faint of heart,” but I got this life down pat…happiness and health and success is what I feel everyday as I get out of bed to face another day. As I’ve said before, as my express train flies by, the more the merrier and you are all welcome for a ride. And I can drop you at the next station.
So, “Cheers!” to my family and friends…thanks for helping me make this a life worth living!