Each day, at least once per day, I have a thought I plan to blog about…whether it be about my job choice, my upcoming vacation or my relationship.  I always feel as though I am having a feeling, idea or emotion which should be explored through writing.  And then, quite frequently, I sit down to write and I completely forget my point.  Or I start to write and it turns out very differently from what I had initially imagined and so, I then just leave it in draft.

I read up on different topics everyday based on my job choice…depending on what the client needs which leads my mind to wander in circles.  Associations with my past life of so long ago or a vacation I once took or a friend I once had.  Each containing countless stories I want to share with my small group of followers here.  But again, when I sit down to write, what I once believed to be a profound statement…seems to fall apart.

Right now, it is super cold where I am in Mexico…granted not as cold as it is in NYC, where I’m from, but since I do live in the mountains, it does get quite cold during December and January.  The difference between here and there though is that here, no one has heat.  It is as cold inside as it is outside.  The only thing that warms my toes, is a hot shower.  Here, we dress in layers…it’s freezing in the morning and again at night but you can suffer a serious sunburn between 12 and 2 in the afternoon.

And I love what I do for a living…supporting small businesses online is more than I could have ever expected for myself.  The only issue is that there are days when I never leave the house.  I don’t feel that way…communicating with clients in Colorado, Hawaii, NY and Florida…time zones make me crazy…at the end of the day, I sometimes feel as though I just interacted with 2 dozen people…and never had to brush my hair.  Hahaha!  So there are nights when I just have to get out of the apartment…and it’s as though Bowie (my Bijon poodle) can sense that.  And he’s too cute as we walk along La Recta to the outdoor coffee shop (usually with my cuz), his ears flop in the wind and when he looks over his shoulder, as he drags me down the street with his little tongue sticking out, I swear he looks like he should be on a shelf next to my other teddy bears.

Then when we arrive wherever I choose for us to chill for a bit while gossipping or reading my book, he literally wants to go and play in traffic.  (Something my uncle used to tell us to do as children.)  He gets so animated only then to pass out as soon as we get home from the exhaustion he then feels.

DLYraACXoAEFhyQBut what about me?  Does that complete my day?  Or my week?  Or do I always need something big to look forward to?  A dinner out with friends or my man at a restaurant…an excuse to get dressed up in heels?  A reason to put on makeup?  Would a job outside of my house satisfy that or will I always grow antsy feet by the end of the week?  Is that what my destiny is?  How I’m defined?

I recently asked someone a similar question.  “What is your purpose in life?”  I used the example that many people who are married with children tend to name their purpose as being one that includes creating a person in their child who will be part of the future.  Someone who will possess the empathy required to be a kind and sympathetic person while also being a huge success at whatever they choose to do with their lives.  (I guess if I were a mother, that’s what my life’s purpose would be.)  Fortunately, this person did not ask me the same question, because I am not so sure I know what my life’s purpose is.

Don’t get me wrong, I have no objection to continuing to live my life exactly as I have travelbeen.  Basically scheduling a long distance vacation every two months or so.  Short time spans between drinks, as some would say.  And my vacations include trips to various parts of the States to visit close friends as well as trips for business and to various islands in the Caribbean to see friends (I hope I can afford one in particular).  Not to mention a huge trip next year to South America, which almost seems so huge I wonder if it will ever happen!  I guess I think of me when deciding where to travel to…no one else as well as what I choose to do every weekend.

Does that make me selfish?  What is the definition of selfishness?  “Devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.”  I’m not so sure I like that definition!  I mean, I can easily devote my energy into being concerned with the interests, benefits and welfare of other people, too.  God knows I’ve been so devoted to the interests and benefits of so many people in my own life which has normally resulted in my always being the giver and never the receiver.  So to me, that doesn’t translate into me being very selfish. 

I’ve always tried to make life decisions based on the information I have at the time and I can not recall a time when I’ve ever truly made a “selfish” decision or committed a selfish act in my life.  I have a habit of opening my heart up too quickly or too openly at times and that tends to leave me feeling sore.  Yet, that does not seem to have gotten me where I had thought I would have ended up in my life.  I have mentioned before how I’ve become accepting of the fact that I will not have children…and I will repeat that I know that it is a process.  But that does not mean that I can’t still feel as though I am part of a family.  While I may not be able to produce offspring, I still feel as though being part of a family of 2 can still be enough for me.

I’ve never been one to imagine long term goals or make long term plans in life…I’ve had feelings about where I may “end up.”  But there are still so many twists and turns to make before I drop and I would like to think that I’m not as impulsive as I once was.  I have decided many times before to sit back and allow life to happen to see where it might take me…to see what turns may lay in my path which may force me to make a life decision.  But I believe that I will always think of the people in my life and what my decision may force them to sacrifice before I make that decision.  So for now, I guess I’m still just allowing life to happen to see how things resolve themselves and what new opportunities might appear in my life to come.  I just hope that when being expected to make my choices and decisions, the people in my life will support me as much as I would support them, as unselfishly as I feel I’ve always been.


5 thoughts on “Everyday…

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  1. I feel for you because I have always wondered what my life purpose is and if ever I will be able to fulfill mine . I think it is normal to question life. Once in a while it feels nice when you have somewhere to be or someone to meet or something to accomplish. That sense of achieving a goal or improving oneself is almost like a basic human need. For example, I do not feel motivated when I live my days without noticing significant changes in my life. I need to feel growth or change to stay motivated. With a goal in mind, I can feel energised to pursue that goal and feel super satisfied when I achieve it. However, just right about now, when I am stuck at home binge-watching I feel like I could sleep through the day since there is nowhere I have to be and no goal I have to chase.

    Liked by 1 person

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