Tonight I was chatting with one of my most favorite people in the world…someone I know would take my back no matter what! And just in passing, she mentioned someone in my life who I have always felt had always gotten away with his misdeeds…someone who she met during the wake of one of my family members…someone who haughtily introduced himself to her as who he allowed the rest of the world to believe was his identity…an identity I believe he lost with me when I was only 24…if he ever really had it.
Well-dressed in his expensive suit and leather shoes…to convince the world of the mask he had created for himself long before I was born. A mask that he was allowed to wear his whole life…and probably continues to…even if it no longer fits him. I remember being 24 and realizing the lie I had been forced to live my whole life. Now, almost 20 years later, after having accepted the truth and the consequences of the actions performed by so many people in my inner circle, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I never portray myself to be anything else besides the person who I really am…because I don’t know any other way to be. I’ve always said, “This is who I am…you don’t like it? Then turn around and walk out because I’ll never change for anyone.”
It shocks me sometimes when someone tells me about me…as I listen to the words that describe me to a T. How I really am completely unable to hide what I’m thinking or feeling…in a good way and a bad. I always think that it’s better to have secrets…for the people in my realm to not know what I’m truly thinking. Then I think…what a waste of time! It’s so much better when the world can read my every thought so that I am not forced to explain myself later. And believe me, there are many times when I do feel as though I am very misunderstood, but only by the people in my life who don’t matter anyway.
When it comes to matters of the heart and how completely devoted I am to the select few who I consider to be what defines my life, I am glad that I don’t have to explain myself. But every once in a while, I still fear that I have painted a picture for myself to appreciate about those same select few. What if the people who I rely on for support and love and affection, are really only in that same relationship for their own selfish reasons? What if I am still kidding myself about the relationships I think I hold with people just because that’s also the only way I know how to love and care for other people…all or nothing. What if I have painted the wrong picture of them and instead they are as guilty of misleading me as that same man in that empty shirt I mentioned earlier?
I either love you or I hate you. I don’t believe in anything in between. But when I love you, I hope that the “you” that I am loving is not the mask you all wear, but rather the true individual you really are. I think I see your faults and your weaknesses, but I also see your strengths and your beauty. And because I do almost so innocently adore each of you, I excuse you for whatever faults you may have. I believe in supporting each of you, 150% regardless of the chinks in your armor or the misgivings you might suffer from. Why? Because it is the only way to truly love and adore the people in my life.
One of my “faults,” some would say is how loyal I am to a fault. How I don’t care about the “faltas” in the personalities of people they hiding behind their masks because I am able to concentrate on their beauty…on their hearts (damaged or undamaged). The hearts that I hope to bring out of each of you as I see how important your soul is and wonder why the mask is still being worn. I wonder why the people in my life are afraid to be themselves, once they realize how unimportant their weaknesses are to me…their insecurities and fears and scars. How none of that matters to me.
It’s so important that we each accept our negatives first as we concentrate on nurturing our positives. How our faults have to first be accepted and then made to feel as unimportant as they are as we concentrate on flourishing our positives as well as our beauty and strengths.
Now, if your fault is that you like to take advantage of the naivete of someone who trusts you and depends on you…don’t worry…once you’re done with your life on this planet, after karma has had its way with you…there is a special place in Hell waiting for you. While I was raised to believe that revenge is a dish best served cold…I’ve grown into a person who believes that there is no revenge better than the punishment that the Universe will deliver onto you…with no help from me.
So take off your masks…accept yourself for who you are! Realize, ladies, you will never walk a red carpet or be pictured on the cover of any Vogue magazine. Prince Charming does not ride a white horse and is not planning to sweep you off your feet. Guys, you will not win the lotto or buy that expensive sports car where you can’t even fit a gallon of milk in the trunk! (And no, that long-legged beauty at the end of the bar…she’s probably not looking at you.) We are who we are…and we can not change that. If you suffer from some obsession or compulsion…accept it and then deal with it for yourself. If you crave attention or recognition, get over yourself. If you are still blaming the next guy and the next guy for the things that go wrong in your life…STOP! It’s not their fault, it’s the fault of you for putting yourself into the situation that resulted in that failure. Don’t be mad! Just get up, brush yourself off and try again while being more authentic with yourself and your abilities.
These are the lessons for today. To just be yourself! And if you don’t know who you are…learn. And if you do know who you are…believe me, those in your life who truly care for you…you’re not hiding that from them. They also know who you are…and they love you for it!