Frequently people come to me for advice about their love lives (and I don’t really know why since I am 42 and unmarried). Whether it be to just talk to someone about what they consider is going wrong with their love lives or as a way to practice what they plan to say to their significant others. And I’m the first person to advise them to tell the guy (it normally is women who come to me for advice…no offense, guys!) what is going on in their heads. But when I might find myself in the same predicament, I never follow that same advice. Why?
Well, I guess it’s because if my relationship goes anywhere, then I want it to happen authentically, not because my guy feels as though he has to change because otherwise he’d be afraid he’d lose me. The only thing that results in, is him changing for me or for what he thinks I want from him. And this I never want. I look back at past relationships where I may have begun a relationship with a statement stuck in my head that says something like, “I don’t just want to date, I want a serious relationship.” To me that can be interpreted as meaning that I don’t want my relationships to be just based on sex…while that is one of my favorite activities to share, regardless.
What normally happens at this point is that the man gets comfortable with me, maybe has me move in with him or begins to spend most nights sitting next to me watching television…because he thinks that’s what I want from him. I don’t think that was what I had meant when telling myself I had wanted a “serious relationship.
What I fail to communicate to most men (without necessarily saying anything), and ladies, please correct me if I am still not explaining myself correctly, but what I love being is a lover, don’t get me wrong. But I’m not in it just for that. I want my man to become my best friend…someone who will call me when he wakes up scared in the middle of the night. Someone he can trust with the fears he has within his own personality that he may not even know about himself. I want to hear about the rainy days as well as the sunny days. I can handle them…trust me I’ve had quite a few rain storms in my own life which I would love the chance to share with someone, as well.
But if you don’t share with me, then I will stop sharing with you and then what will happen is that our relationship will just be based on how we make each other feel physically, sexually and only on sunny days…without knowing what emotion that activity might be satisfying. It’s ok to share a bad mood with the person in your life, you might surprise yourself and find that the person in your life is actually able to change how you feel.
The difficult conversation that many of us are afraid to have may also involve us having to sacrifice our own independence and possibly become a dependent in a relationship before the other person is ready, willing and able to be the same. However “serious” your relationship may be, make sure that you are able to share the rain storms as well as the sunshine. Why? Because maybe if you share a rainstorm and your guy helps you to see that the sun is still shining, you will realize how important it really can be to share and that it would be OK to sacrifice some of that independence you rely on so much.
So many people in my life have said that I need to ask for help when I need it because then I would have a chance to see that I am really not as “alone” as I had always considered myself to be.
No one is as positive a person as I am. No one I know has the ability to brighten my day as well as my own self-assurance that the rain will always turn into a rainbow. But sometimes when telling a person about your hurts and who you are may help you to let go of some of your past that you still carry with you.
So what is the purpose of today’s blog? I guess it’s a small piece of advice to always be authentic with yourself as well as with the person you share your bed with. No one ever wants to be strung along for the wrong reasons and if you’re not true to yourself, then the person you’re with can never be true to you either since they never really knew you at all. So don’t cheat yourself out of a truly authentic connection with another person just because you’re afraid of your own dark spaces. Explore them, break them and let some sunshine in and maybe you won’t suffer from them.