Confessions…

I promised myself that I was not going to write in my blog this week but instead to spend the week really self-reflecting on myself.  I have come to the conclusion that I am as strange a nut as anyone else.  I’ve always accepted from people their own confessions about being different…whether that be that they are O.C.D., spoiled, picky, specific, fearful of being alone…or of being with the wrong person…I can go on.  I’ve never said out loud to anyone what makes me “different,”…or maybe “difficult” is the better word…though I am sure I know it’s there.

When I think of myself in comparison to other people, sure I see a difference in myself…besides the obvious unmarried with no children…I also see how my personality and my priorities are very different from other people’s…though I never thought of that as being a bad thing.  We all differ in how we react to situations…relationships…both platonic friends as well as sexual ones.  We all differ in how we keep ourselves…our lives…do we prefer to live alone?  With a roommate (same or opposite sex) or with a sexual partner?  (I guess I’ve never lived with a member of the opposite sex unless we were sleeping together first, so I guess that situation doesn’t apply to me, but I think I’ve just always preferred to live alone because that makes life easier.)

emotionalEasier?  What does that mean, exactly?  I think that if I lived with someone, let’s just say a roommate…I’d feel a sense of needing to explain myself to them.  Why I possess certain habits or why/when I think it’s ok to break them.  Why is it ok for me to follow some rules while breaking others?  And in the end, shouldn’t that just be up to me?  Why should I feel as though I need to explain myself to anyone?  Where did that come from?

My own life did a 180 while I had been living with someone of the opposite sex, and I guess I saw it coming, I mean we moved halfway across a country to a state with extremely different weather/living conditions…where the profession I had previously (diving and bartending) was no longer feasible.  I had not thought about what I was sacrificing/gaining by making this move, just that it was how we would be able to stay together.  It was a no-brainer at the time.

Since then, my life has probably done another 180…now no longer having to work for Mexico for about 18 months, I am now able to work for an American company online…at home while initially I was an English teacher about a 15 minute drive away.  I used to have to get up every morning, get dressed, do hair and makeup to run out to teach all day.  At the end of my day, we would meet at my former mother-in-law’s for lunch…so similar to the lunches I used to have with my mother and grandfather as a child that nothing would make me happier.  I was able to practice my Spanish with one of the most pleasant and enjoyable women I’ve ever known…since my mother.  After that, my day would be over…as would my access to our shared vehicle…so I’d spend the rest of the day home alone prepping for my students the next day or, if I was lucky enough, tutoring privately for extra money.

Once I realized how much more money I could potentially earn from home, as well as giving me the chance to begin a family…again it seemed like a no-brainer.  I don’t know what I would have done differently had someone told me 5 years ago that things with that guy I was about to move halfway across a country for were not going to work out.  Would I have stayed on that beach?  That beach where you didn’t have to earn as much as I do now…and as much as I now have to earn in order to pay for my rent/truck/living expenses, etc.  When did life become so complicated?

And why didn’t I stay?  Was I afraid to be alone?  Am I in love with the noises of the city where I live now so can’t imagine returning to a beach town again?

I now consider the issues of other people who are around me…those who are the same age as me…living alone (or with a roommate)…being forced to make certain decisions about their own lives.  Do they pursue that potential relationship if it is not headed down the road they were raised to expect relationships to go down…wedding/children/etc., etc.  Or do they just keep their relationships casual since they know that marriage is not on the table anymore…so why bother?  Do they continue to live alone…unafraid of one day finding themselves lonesome for the touch from someone of the opposite sex…living their current life selfishly, without caring how it may be affecting that other person who may want more?

And how do you start that conversation?!?!  I mean, what if that other person really doesn’t want a serious relationship?  And what does serious mean at our age anyway?  Monogamous?  Exclusive?  Always having a +1 for all those invitations that still keep coming?  Or do you now just look to that other person for love and support?  Like a companion…a friend you can maybe just count on for those days when it’s just nice to have someone to talk to?  Someone to share your bed with?  Someone you can trust to talk to about work issues or life issues.

crutchI guess in the past couple of years my definition of a serious relationship has also done its own 180.  When I left my last relationship, it was because it had suddenly flat-lined.  While I had been all hyper about starting a family and to finally have the child that I had always thought I would one day have in the family I had grown to really adore…the other person who needed to be involved in that whole process, for his own reason, had changed his mind about it.  Now, two years later, I consider a serious relationship to just be someone I can reach  out to regularly…someone whose company I enjoy…someone who trusts me with his own fears and frustrations with life…someone who genuinely enjoys my company…someone I can count on to just take me for how I come on that day…but someone who is also interested in what I may have going on in my day/week/life and someone who interests me with his own stimulating conversation about WHATEVER.  Someone who supports me emotionally and who allows me to do the same.  If I feel like crying…I want to feel like that person will just lend me a shoulder without judging me for being emotional…like us women tend to be at times.  And to one day lend a shoulder to him as well…I can certainly handle watching my Bull of a man crumble emotionally in front of me…really demonstrating his trust in my own emotional support of him.

mountainBe my mountain…be my crutch…but PLEASE…allow me to do the same.

xoxoxoxo

 

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