What is wrong with me? You know, maybe just because I was doing it and always needed to justify it, I never considered drinking to be an addiction. I have always just partaken in the bad habit…never got sick or hung over from it…I know, making a few people upset with me. But regardless, I never drank at home alone. If I had a guest, I may have opened a bottle of wine or served it during a dinner party, but nothing more than that. For me, drinking was strictly a social activity, and we just realized that when I drink, I tend to get hyper, finding it difficult to remain seated. My cuz referred to me as a “bar-girl.”
Well, I bartended for like 20 years of my life, when I was able to walk back and forth down the bar, keeping an eye on the glasses of my customers making sure that they were always full…resulting in my always making a good tip.
Something else happened this weekend, though…and I think this was the first time this has ever happened to me after drinking…I woke up the next morning feeling super sad and depressed. WTF?!?! Where did that come from? All day I’m wracking my brain for a reason…was it based on the heavy conversation we had the night before? Was it the misunderstanding I just had with a friend who we’ve just decided is my self-appointed sister? It shouldn’t have been because we resolved it. I was working on improving myself throughout the day but it was a feeling I just couldn’t shake…it was so bad that I actually intentionally stayed home last night, not wanting to ruin anyone else’s night with my “problem.”
Then this morning, I woke up feeling AMAZING. Why? Well I had gotten a good night’s sleep, I had seen an excellent movie last night…I was hungry and eager to meet the day. I laid in bed for a few minutes to decide what I was going to do today…when suddenly all these options came to mind. Options of places and activities I have wanted to do but had forgotten about. Ideas of places to visit which seemed to have slipped down my To-Do list in the past few months…maybe while I was just out drinking?
Human beings have a habit of repeating history. Anyone can sit down with a history book and see how the human race has a very short memory. While self-reflecting, I am sure many of you can find examples of times when you found yourself doing the same crap that you had already realized was NOT good for you. Whether that be to go out with a friend for “one drink” on your way home from work on a Tuesday to then find yourself still drinking at 5 in the morning or your strange attraction to that “bad boy” that you really always knew was not good for you…or even you saying to yourself, “I’ll start exercising tomorrow” when we all know that tomorrow never really comes.
Well, people, I have always said to myself that I only make mistakes once in life and that I always learn from them the first time. Well I’m here to also tell you that is bullshit! Sure, I may only give close friends one chance to insult me…but that’s not really the lesson that I keep missing…and because I’m the one who is guilty of this, I’m the one who keeps falling into that trap! I’ll be the first one to point a finger at the woman who stays with her cheating husband when claiming that he’ll never change or the guy who hates himself every time he has a hangover because he hates feeling that way as I explain (like Einstein) that if you continue to drink like you do, then it’s insane to expect to feel something different the next morning.
I am not going to make that same mistake…I never want to feel as low and as sad as I did yesterday ever again. I can blame Bacardi for it, and say it wasn’t my fault…but I never even felt drunk Friday night. And I never felt hungover yesterday morning. But I can tell you that I felt so depressed…I’m actually admitting to feeling depressed…that I never want to drink again. As a bartender, I used to frequently give up drinking because I’d spend my work shifts listening to people who chose to take their sorrows out for a swim instead of doing something about them. Yesterday, I saw the most amazing poster on Instagram that I will share with you here:
That was my advice to everyone! And do you know what? I already did that! But look, I’m still finding myself a victim to my own addiction (again!) which means that I can no longer blame NYC for it. Granted, I’m not going to uproot my life again because I’ve found myself to be a victim to drinking again, but I can tell you one thing…I am quickly going to remember the things in life that I had put on my list to participate it.
And I now invite any of my friends to join me again! But if you just want to go out and take your own sorrows out for a swim and you just need company, I am sorry, but I am no longer available for that. I am now too busy remembering that there are so many other beautiful things and places to visit, from the Museo de la Muñeca to the Museo de la Musica de Viena to the most amazing adventure yet, the train that takes you through much of the more beautiful parts of Mexico, El Chepe. So if you are just drinking, then you will be drinking alone…but if you want to explore and see the world, then please let me know! Because I need to remember, it’s time to start living, not dying and drinking will only bring me closer to the one extreme, not the other.