Does anyone else ever find that when they first meet someone new, that you are put to a test? Circumstances arise that allow you to either step up to the plate, or behave in a certain way that might come off as you almost over-exaggerating the person you consider yourself to be in order to make the other person rest assured that you are someone who can be trusted, someone they can have confidence in. Someone they can count on…even on rainy days?
Now how about them? Do you put your heart out there and just hope that they will handle it with the same care that you are using to handle theirs? Do you take that risk? Do you also hold that interview of sorts where you try to ask all those important questions…like if ABC happens, how will you react and just hope that when ABC does happen, they will stay true to their word? Or aren’t we all just a bundle of impulses and snap decisions…unable to consider our reactions?
Until put to the ultimate test, how do we really know what type of person you actually are? Yes, we can imagine all the different scenarios that might arise during the first few weeks…or months that we predict to occur and hope that when put up there, for the person who we may have grown fond of, to test us, that we are on our best…and most impressionable behavior?
We can prepare ourselves for rainy days by setting a rule that before reacting to anything…before opening your mouth to potentially say the wrong thing…first pause and consider the effect that your words may have on the person listening.
I try to portray myself to be the loyal and supportive person I’ve always considered myself to be. I try to show how much the person I’ve chosen to be with means to me…what they are worth sacrificing as I expect to see them do the same. Sometimes, I find that opportunities come up which might be “out of the ordinary” but which allow us to show how out of the way we’re willing to go…even early in a relationship. And I find that maybe these things tend to happen early in a relationship in order for both of us to be able to show our true colors…so that when those ordinary rainy days roll around, we both know that they will be a “walk in the park” for the other…since we’ve already had the chance to grow so close so soon.
Then I remember my own history…recently having to have shared with someone something that happened between my brother and I starting about 7 1/2 years ago…when I first left the States to live in Mexico. It was the first time that I had not “physically” been there for my brother…having chosen instead to take some time out for myself to heal since we had lost our mother 5 years before. I had promised that I would watch over my Aunt who had past about 7 months before I left the States, so I felt as though my own personal obligations were complete. I never promised that I was going to “watch over” my brother…he had a wife and I had never felt that was my responsibility anyway.
But regardless, there are still words that my brother spoke to me that have left scars that I don’t think can be removed. While fighting with boyfriends…or even just friends…sometimes we get into heated arguments and we say things we regret afterwards. But regardless of who is right or wrong, there are always apologies…the feelings of how bad my words may have made that other person feel and me being so upset with myself for having spoken so freely about how I felt…without having taken that pause, I mentioned earlier, to find the right words that might produce the effect in that person that I had wanted. There may be tears expressing how upset you are with yourself for ever having hurt that person you love so much when, had you taken that pause, you would never haven said them…
And then there’s my brother…never haven spoken one word of apology to me. Never having said how rash he had been when he lost his temper the week before and began to scream and curse at me for things which I had not caused…maybe just for having asked him to do me a favor…a favor that paled to the type of favors I had done for him over the years. Friends and boyfriends used to watch as I always let moments like that go…never requiring an apology or excuse from him…while I’ve always been so tough on friends and boyfriends to do the same with me…when I’ve never been crossed by anyone else, except my family members.
We are raised by our parents who base how they “raise” us on their own personal experiences, yet their jobs (I had always thought) were etched in stone as was the job of my brother. I never questioned the love I received from both my mother and father as well as my brother…never having doubted their loyalty to me as their daughter/sister and never suspected that anyone would ever have ulterior motives against me. For this reason, so many things were done to me behind my back…while I had always been so wary of strangers…never thinking that my own blood would ever act against…
So not to prolong this saga, I do still ask myself what kind of person am I? Having come with such faults in my bloodline, how can I be sure that I might not one day be as selfish and cruel to someone in the same fashion…someone who should be as important to me as I would have thought a sister was meant to be to a brother? How do I know that there is not a different type of fault in my personality that leads me to be victimized by those who I just can not accept could behave with so little thought of the effects of their words and actions? How can I ensure that nothing will ever happen to me that might cause me to flip over to that dark side of humanity? Is 42 years enough of a lifetime to prove to myself how I’ve never had a cruel or selfish thought yet? Is it ok for me to sometimes want a bit more attention without it meaning that I am being egotistical or always wanting things to be about me? When, in the end, I feel as though my being able to open up to the person I care about would only result in us knowing each other better…something that I always smile upon…with transparency being my own middle name.
Maybe I do already know what type of person I am…