Don’t get me wrong, I love MEN! I love feeling the attention given to me as he asks me questions about myself, the time spent when the man decides where he’d like to take me out, getting to know how he thinks and where he’s been…and of course our shared intimate moments. I also enjoy being there for a man…someone for him to talk to after a bad day at work. But I also believe that’s something that should be shared. I can understand if a man is so distracted with his own shit that he is unable to always ask me about my day…or spend the time listening when I begin to tell him about something that upset me.
But when I finish a week feeling like strangers have had more interest in how I’m doing, I get the impression that the relationship I’m in, is not going far. Again, I don’t even mind taking a backseat to the problems that my man is having…assuming that eventually it will be my turn. Isn’t that the way a relationship is meant to work? Whether that relationship be a sexual one or not?!?!
Well, I’ve once again decided that it is time for me to spend some time being single again. It is time for me to just spend the time I need…alone, contemplating life, self-reflecting over the decisions I’ve made in life as well as what I’d like to do with my evening. (Without my having to necessarily wait for a man to even make plans with me!) I have a great life, don’t get me wrong. I have a great apartment (as temporary as it may be), a great truck that gets me everywhere I need to go, I’m in good shape (even if I haven’t had a chance to do exercise in three days) and I am no stranger to keeping myself busy. Busy either joining friends for lunch or even just going to an outdoor cafe where I can design my own salad, sit outside eating while reading my most recent book. If I can, I do try to always bring my dog, though if my day includes errands, sometimes that is not possible. But he gets it.
Regardless, I imagine that women have a lot of reasons for why they choose to be in a relationship. Some might not be able to handle their expenses and do truly need someone to share them with…like a roommate. (That’s not my problem.) Some women may get the urge that says they are “lonely” on Saturday nights because there is no man to take them out. (God, I cherish the nights when I do not feel an obligation to go out and do anything with a man I feel obligated to “date” every week.) Some women also feel better when they wake up in the morning, laying next to a man. (Sure it’s nice, but ever wake up next to the man you thought you were in love with the night before only to discover he’s in a cranky mood because he doesn’t have his favorite flavored coffee?!?!)
I have said so many times that what I am looking for in a man is truly a friendship. Someone I can trust, someone I can share my problems with and then laugh about them at the same time. Someone who I enjoy spending time with and who enjoys spending time with me…without feeling that dreaded feeling of obligation just because I’m wearing the label of “girlfriend” or him the same. Am I talking about casual sex with many men? Not at all! I am talking about keeping a distance from the men in my life…so that none of them feel as though they have the right to make decisions for me. If I choose to spend a day driving around, running errands…or a day working on my computer…or even on my couch watching T.V. only to meet friends for drinks all night…I don’t want anyone to feel as though they have the right to judge me for anything I choose to do.
Do I love men? With all my heart…passionately! But what I don’t love are judgemental snobs who generalize about women my age. No, I don’t feel bad that I’m not married! No, I’m not looking for a husband or a man to solve all my problems…financial, emotional or otherwise. No, I don’t feel bad that I do not have children…so no, I am not shopping for the father of my miracle child that would be born at the age of post-43! I may be looking for something to do tonight or next week…but in the meantime, I’m good on my own…just judging my own actions and behaviors without anyone trying to make me feel good or bad about them.
So if you are a man who I know…trust me when I tell you that you have nothing to be afraid of as far as my ever trying to turn you into an instant boyfriend or husband. But as soon as I feel as though I’ve become an obligation in your mind…I’m out. That is not how this game is played by me. Please just trust me when I tell you that I don’t need anyone to take care of me just as I am fine being alone on a Saturday night…or any other night for that matter.