Love…do you believe in it? Did I ever? I remember when I was 19, I was dating a guy who I thought about all the time. He was sensitive and wanted to be with me anytime I needed him to be. I was a college student at the time who worked in a cardiologist’s office part-time after school and, well we can just call him a businessman. Regardless, he was the first person in my life who I just thought about all the time.
I didn’t imagine getting married…or driving off into the sunset with him…I just thought about the “now” in my life and how much I loved sharing my time with him. Though back then, I was super strict about what time I shared with him. I never went out with him on Friday nights…those nights were saved for my friends. I only spent Saturday nights with him, and occasionally on Sunday and usually a day or two during the week. I was a college student and did have to concentrate on my studies at some point. As crazy as he thought I was when I told him that “Friday nights were for wives and Saturday nights were for girlfriends,” he still allowed me to be as crazy with my time as I had wanted him to be.
Frequently he would pick me up on a Saturday and we’d spend the weekend partying down on the Jersey shore. But eventually his chosen profession really got to me and I did break up with him…though he and I did continue to see each other for the next 16 years, on and off, as we would frequently run into each other either in clubs or on the streets…at which time we would always toy with the idea of getting back together.
Then I left the Sates, and while we have been in touch over Facebook or through conversations over the phone…we haven’t seen other in the past 7+ years at all. It was during that time when he has said to me that he really should have married me 20 years ago…having known me when I was still a kid who still believed in love (as practical as I’ve always considered myself to be about love).
And maybe that’s what I still am…practical…when it comes to love. I try not to be unrealistic when it comes to the man I want to give my heart to. I try to be practical when I imagine how love might “change” my life or my living conditions. Everyone can say that they have met the man who is “good on paper” but whom they just couldn’t imagine sharing their heart with. Good on paper being that he had a good stable job, came from a stable family, was patient with our ups and downs…but for whom we lacked that crazy impulsiveness.
Now, a million years later, I think of that relationship I shared with that man when I was only 19 years old and I don’t necessarily miss him…as much as I miss that crazy abandonment I possessed when he and I were together. If we jumped into his car on a Saturday night and ended up on the West Coast, I knew that I would have been find. I trust him and knew he would have always been there for me. (Though me living in California without a degree or job might not have been the best plan…not to mention my not having had any clothes or shoes with me…hahaha!)
Is that love? Or was that just immaturity based on my curiosity about seeing the world with someone who I knew I could ALWAYS count on? What if that had happened…what if he had gotten crazier than normal and had just driven us down to Florida or California, me not even being old enough to legally drink! Would that have worked forever? Or would we have then had to change zip codes again in order to continue to feed our need to keep moving around? And how I felt about him…did I love him? Or was I just dependent on him and how safe he always made me feel…as crazy and wreckless as I might have felt at that moment?
Now, at 42 years old…am I just craving my young, innocent self who never worried about anything else except my next adventure…knowing nothing back then about paying bills and building good credit and settling down?
So tell me, do you believe in love? And how do you define it?