Exhaustion?

Today I got to see one of my friends graduate with her Masters…and receive a special award because she had the top grade in her class!  I was so proud.  I was able to watch the ceremony with her parents and a mutual friend and then we all had lunch together.  It was so nice!  Then, on my way home, I received a message from a man who I BRIEFLY dated about a year and a half ago, to meet him for lunch.  I can tell you that I really should have gone…God knows that when we dated, I would have loved to have heard from him.  Except today, I was so exhausted!

Yes, I went running last night and did yoga the night before and wore heels all day today, but why am I so “exhausted”?  I did have work I needed to attend to, but that isn’t it.  I think I’m just tired of things always turning out the way they always do.

grattitudeThe other night, I had a chat with another guy I dated for about a year about love.  The reference was the final episode of Sense 8 which ended with two women getting married in the Eiffel Tower, surrounded by all of their closest friends.  The music was incredible (I am…and will always be a music freak) and the presentation of their vows had brought me to tears.  I don’t really have an opinion about same-sex marriages…whatever does it for you is fine with me!

The point of our conversation though was about how differently women and men perceive love.  I was saying how I want the kind of love that causes tunnel vision.  How that is my first priority again…though I have to say that I am having problems meeting men who deserve that kind of love from me.  Last night I had a 2nd date with a guy who I hadn’t seen in over a month…and before the date, I actually canceled.  I knew that he was never going to have tunnel vision for me since it has been a month since I had seen him or even barely heard from him.

Today, I heard from the guy who 18 months ago always had problems finding time for me…same shit!  I’ve decided I almost want to save myself for someone who is willing to make the effort to see me more regularly…whether it be for a run or a walk or a glass of wine with a conversation.  Someone who is just curious (or concerned) about my day the same way I am about his.

I have said this before…I don’t want to be in touch with someone who feels obligated to take me to dinner just because I am the current woman in his life…the marvel of the month.  But I also want the men in my life to be honest with me and with themselves about being able to express how they feel about me.

That was a big point the other night…we agreed that men and women express how they feel differently.  How a woman might reach out to a man in an attempt to allow him to feel as though she is thinking of him…let him feel as though he is part of her thoughts and concerns each day.  While a man might think of his woman…or even miss her…but not know that he should be sharing that sentiment with her.  Not realizing what a difference it might make to her to understand that she is also part of his thoughts.

When a man tells me he misses me…that fills me with such warmth…every time!  Sometimes I wonder why…especially if we are not that “close” yet…but I still like it when someone thinks of me when I am not with them.  I mean at this age, what brings two people together?  A common education?  A common sense of humor?  A similar taste in movies and music?  Or even just a close proximity?

And then the day might come when none of that matters when you both realize that you are looking for different things in life.  Maybe one of you deciding that it really is easier to live alone without having to cater to another person…or their wants and needs…especially if they are different from your own.

Then after the dust settles…when you stop being able to see that person based on your own personal, selfish reasons…you realize that maybe you would have been better off to have changed your ideals and needs to include those of someone else.  nose

And now I’ve reconsidered and decided to go and meet that guy…since he is still lunching with his friends and has just called…

Why do I cut my nose off to spite my face?

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