Ugh…I just can’t think like that!

I have a few friends who waited until they found someone to spend their life with, while in their 50’s before they were married…both of whom felt as though they had learned what they did not want and that they should really be worshipped.

I am getting close to being in my 50’s except that I am no where near knowing what it’s like to be worshipped.  If I don’t hear from a guy for a day…or don’t see him for over a week…I just mentally jump to the worst and assume that he’s just no longer interested.  Being that he is no longer interested, I just mentally move on…quickly trying to meet someone else to replace him…instead of consider what may have happened that may have caused him to not call or show up.

I know how it feels to be worshipped…but after the first month of dating, when most men become comfortable in a relationship and the set up he may have with me, I feel as though things start to drop off…morning texts with roses, late night salutations before drifting off to my “sweet dreams.”  That constant concern of most men that you might not be available to see him on Saturday night so he is always sure to make plans with you by Wednesday.  The talk…I LOVE the talk…that includes the man dreaming out loud about our future of travels and vacations and adventures together…not to mention him talking about the chance to kiss my body from end to end…I mean, who wouldn’t want to hear about that?!?!

10The calls come less frequently, I don’t always wake to a rose or drift off to sleep with his sweet words on my brain…life seems to get in the way…my travels…his travels…before it’s over a week since we’ve seen each other and I’m thinking…yeah, it was fun while it lasted (for that month) and now I just have to move on.  Clearly he was only interested in sex and I became too intense…wanting too meaningful a relationship…a commitment…than he was able to handle or provide.  Is that even possible that he was exactly like that last guy I dated…while they had seemed so different while we had been dating…how did I not see the signs?  How did I not prepare myself for the potential same ending as I had received from that last man I was with?!?!

Wasn’t I clear with this one up front?  Hadn’t I told him what I had wanted from him and from our relationship?  Or was that conversation with that guy I only dated once…the one who had so clearly NOT been my people right away and with whom I had been practicing my speech on?  Hadn’t I promised myself that had it not worked out with the last guy that I was done?  So now if I get hurt, it’s my fault since I should have taken my own advice and not pursued another relationship after that last clusterfuck!

And why do I think it’s so easy for men to just stop caring about me?!?!  Hmmmm…I think that’s the biggest question I should be asking myself.  Have I just never experienced true love from a man who I could really depend on so that’s why I can imagine that it’s possible?  Have I been let down by the central male figures in my life?  Leading me to believe that it’s possible that a man could choose something else before his devotion to me and our relationship?trust

Well, let’s think about that…I guess so!  First it was my father…who wore the right costume for the first 25 years of my life…went to work, acted tired at the end of the day as though he had actually worked…seemed to give a shit about my life problems when I had them (where to go to college, where to live after college, who to date, etc., etc.)…even though the only thing on his mind was his gambling addiction (some would say that’s a disease…I say that’s bullshit!!)…coupled with his drinking habit (yes, I know, another disease).  And what did that lead to?  Besides my allegedly having obvious “Daddy Issues” once I found myself completely broke and having lived a life with a man who really did just wear a costume his whole life?…my brother, the other male figure in my life, becoming exactly the same way…except his problem was drugs.  I remember the day when he had reassured me that I had nothing to worry about as far as my trusting him with my money…knowing that after what he had witnessed what my father had done to me, I could trust that he would never do anything but take care of me and make sure that no man was ever given the chance to hurt me again.

What an ASS am I?!?!  Hahaha!  The difference between my father and my brother is that my father robbed me from behind my back…while with my brother…I voluntarily gave him the money…never imagining that he would never pay me back…thinking I was not important enough for that debt to matter.  That was what broke my heart…having possessed the title of “sister” who John and his friends had worked their whole lives to protect.  For him to turn around and tell me that things were not looking good for me to ever get any money back from him…after I had suggested he cut back on his budget…his answer being “Why should my kids suffer?!?!”  While I now know it was cutting into his drug habits…another chemical dependency that stands between me and my family.

partnership-imgSo now, at 42 years old, I recently had a conversation with a man on the phone who I was explaining to how I had wanted to find a true love…someone I could count on and depend on in life.  A true partner who I could lean on during times of trouble… and who would lean on me when he needed help…someone who would depend on me the same way that I would depend on him.  Someone who wants to be part of my life as I want to be part of his.

That man thought I was kidding…not being able to believe that I was not like every other woman (and man) existing in our age range while living here who only existed to have sex with a person with whom they shared some sort of superficial relationship with.  Is that what this world has come to?!?!

I just spent the weekend with my cousin and his wife and 2 of their 3 children and several grandchildren…and I witnessed a relationship that is so strong and powerful that I can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want to try for that.  Why would someone not want to try to create such a bond with another human being?  Have we just become so damaged that it’s just easier to be alone?  This is what I fear for myself…that I’d just rather be alone than to be with someone who I could never depend on.  I guess that’s the definition of “daddy issues,” right?

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