What does that mean exactly?
I have what I’ll call a very spiritual friend who recently told me it was time to allow myself to hit bottom. I’m thinking…and maybe saying it out loud…why would I allow myself to do that? As she is telling me I have to “allow myself” to do it.
Again, I’m going to ask…what does that mean and why would I allow myself to do that?
She explained that I have to allow myself to realize how bad things are…or can be.
Since then, as I meditated during my yoga workouts, I thought about a time in my life when I had really felt as though I had hit bottom. I was maybe 23/24 years old. I lived with a boyfriend who couldn’t find a job…and one day, we went to the supermarket…we had no food in the house. We piled up our shopping cart…waited in line…unloaded our food items and when I tried to pay for them, it was discovered that my credit card had been maxed out ( probably by that great boyfriend I was living with at the time)…and we had to walk away, empty handed.
I had thought that was a sufficient experience for me to have hit bottom enough for this lifetime. I had never felt so embarrassed and hopeless in my life, until that point. We went home hungry…I got into bed, fully clothed and just wished my life away. I felt as though I had no where to go for help. And my mother was still around then! So I guess I wasn’t as at bottom as I could have been. (Plus that was financial…while I believe what my friend is talking about is emotional.)
Recently, I had some disappointing days. I was made to feel “let down”…”Toys out of pram” as my cuz refers to it. And part of it was me just being disappointed because I couldn’t see someone…and because I hadn’t heard from him for a couple of days. I KNOW! Not a big deal, right?
But I was feeling extremely emotional…super “alone.” Questioning why I was here. Thinking I was witnessing the end of another relationship…not feeling in control. Basically throwing a tantrum, like a 12 year old, because I was not being taken out on date night…without even explaining what “date night” was.
Is that what my problem really is? And am I really alone? I have so many friends here…people who do genuinely care for me and my well-being. I may have mentioned during a previous blog about this crazy overnight drive I had to make one night, through the mountains to a neighboring state…by myself, in the dark…single lanes in each direction…which I felt had really made me face my fear..of all of that!. During the drive home…fortunately I had someone with me who was willing to make the drive home…two of my friends happen to be texting me to see how I was. Strange for either of them to be texting me so late at night…and neither of them knew about this spontaneous drive, so no reason why they should have been concerned. But my guy was like…who is texting you so late…it’s so hard to keep up with a girl as popular as me (HA!).
And yet, when I feel “lonely” or “alone” I forget that I do have friends here who do seem to be telepathically connected to me…to know that I may actually be in a situation where I may actually need help. (Of course, with me physically 4 1/2 hours away, I’m not too sure either of them could have actually helped me…but it’s still nice to know that they were “concerned” for my well being…as I was being “concerned” for someone else.)
I also know that I have a friend here who considers our relationship to be that shared by two sisters as she speaks to me with such confidence that I know she’s probably right. Not to displace my other sister, back up in the northeast, who has literally walked me off a ledge during more times than I can count! (As I have also done for her.) But, it’s just part of me trying to see things for how they are…dissecting them without anyone else’s perspective or input…especially those who hate to see me unhappy or in emotional pain.
Back to the point…rock bottom! So what makes me feel so down…so low? My cuz actually reminded me of it this morning during a serious therapy session…she reminded me that where I am in life is NOT what I chose. I moved here to have a family…to join the family of my ex…I did not choose to be alone. And it’s not fair…she gets it. But why am I not saying that? Why am I always what I always say…I’m fine.
How many times have I told you that life is NOT fair?!?! But do I remember that? No. I just keeping saying…”It’s fine.” “I’m fine.” Without considering the fact that maybe I’m not fine. Maybe that is what it means to hit bottom…to accept when things are NOT FINE! Cry when I need to! Not feel bad for myself…but rather accept things for how they actually are. Not say, it’s fine that I’m alone and without a family and I can just entertain myself with my book/work/puzzle…when in the end, I actually do need more than that. Be ok with the fact that I do want to be with someone…I do want a companion…someone who I can connect with…share passions with…someone I can talk to about anything and everything (maybe during a 4 1/2 hour drive home…hahaha!)
But on days when I am not in control of what happens…things that result in my not being able to talk to the person I’d like to share time with…for me to say that it is what is bothering me. See shit for what it is. And not to think it means anything dark…like I’m about to walk the same path as so many of the women I’ve listened to over the years. But that I’m sad about being alone…that’s my baggage. And yes, it’s possible to be “alone” in the wrong relationship. I get that too. I kind of feel like I’ve felt that too in the past. But that’s not what this is.
When my life is “shit”…say it! Don’t be tough and act like everything is fine…because there are days when it isn’t. Deal with it! Roll with it! And don’t be sad…just know that it could be worse…believe me, life can ALWAYS be worse! Appreciate what you have…your health…your home…the health of those you care about…my Bowie! The fact that I have a job…start following your own advice and look at life as being the glass that’s half full, not half empty.
But first, recognize that things are not “fine” today…and that it’s up to me to make it better. And that recognition can be my first step up from rock bottom…