They say that in order to get past our fears, we have to face them. I guess first we need to know what they are, right?
I’m ready to face my fears! I’m 42 years old now, and it’s about time for me to do that!
Ok, a lot of people are afraid of storms…earthquakes…plane rides…things they can’t control. Nope…I’m good there. People are afraid of water…I have gone diving as deep as 300 feet with sharks. Next! People are afraid of the dark…I just drove 4 1/2 hours…practically the whole way in the dark. NEXT! Spiders…bugs…snakes…I just stay away from them.
But are those the fears we’re really talking about here? No!
I am not going to be afraid of something that I can’t control or things that are outside of my power. (Ok, diving to 300 feet is within my control, but if I die doing it…it will be me dying doing something I love…and I’m sure I won’t feel a thing!)
But let’s get real! What am I afraid of? Honestly?
I’m afraid of being made a fool by someone close to me. I’m afraid that the writing is on the wall and I’m not seeing it. While I’ve told so many people to open their eyes…and even lead them to that fateful wall to point out the writing…I’m still afraid that there is writing on my own wall that I fail to see. Every situation can be perceived in so many different ways…do you believe what is being told to you? Or are you just the pansy that they’re laughing at as they go behind your back to do what they want?
Or is it based on your own faith? If you truly believe that what is being told to you is true, then it will be? If you have faith in another person…in the goodness you feel as though they possess, then it must be real. Right? Or am I just as dumb and naive as those others I’ve seen being lied to by so many people around them?
And does it matter? If I truly believe in something or someone, and in the end, I was the fool all along for having believed in it…am I the fool? Or is it on the person who mislead me? Is that what it means to take a leap of faith? I had thought my moving to Mexico (when I didn’t speak a word of Spanish) just to dive was me taking a leap of faith. I have so many friends who tell me how brave they think I am!
But was it really just me running away from adulthood with adult problems…incapable of believing in someone else? I mean I moved here and 4 months later started bartending again. (I did that when I was 17…and I was already 35 at the time!) I walked away from my adult job of managing law firms…my six-figure salary and apartment in Manhattan…got rid of all of my “adult” clothes (and shoes) when I moved to a beach with cut offs and bathing suits. Who did I think I was?
Was I just avoiding being an adult? Am I still? I mean I literally can not decide on who I want to be with…what I want to do. And if I could tell you how many times I’ve literally thought of just throwing all my hard work here aside to move BACK to NYC in the past 6 months…you wouldn’t even believe me! Why? Because then I could start over…at the bottom…and have it be ok for me to have nothing again. (I’m even considering moving back to that beach again.)
Why am I unable to make a decision about how I want my life to play out? Why am I unable to decide what I want to do? Where do I want to live? Who do I want to live with? (Besides my dog…that is.)
I don’t believe in regret…but I’m hesitant to make another rash decision about my life and where it takes me (like I did 7 1/2 years ago when I moved to Mexico…or even 4 1/2 years ago when I moved to Puebla -though I don’t think that was rash or unplanned…I had thought I did it for the right reasons…based on the knowledge I had at the time).
But now what? Do I make another crazy, rash decision…based on my heart, not my brains…or my balls? Am I afraid to make a mistake? I don’t believe it’s possible! I trust myself when I make decisions. But why can’t I make one right now? Why do I feel paralyzed? Why am I actually considering those around me when it comes time for me to decide what to do? Am I afraid of hurting someone as a result of my decision? Am I afraid of seeming like the fool when I decide to throw more of my life away as I make another drastic move in my life? Or have I done that enough times so now it’s time to wait to see what life has to offer me, for once? Instead of making the decision…to wait for the invitation. I keep hearing…”You’re always welcome here.” I don’t want to “always feel welcome some place.” I still want an invitation. I want to feel special…worth the effort to invite me. Not to be taken for granted…well, she’s always here anyway, why should I invite her?
Maybe I’m sounding a bit crazy and out of emotional control tonight. Or maybe I just have so many options floating around in my head, I just can’t decide on which one is the best one to choose. They just all seem so good…so delectable…so tempting…but nothing is pushing me in any particular direction. Nothing is helping me to decide which way to go…which way to lean…which direction to choose. So I remain here…sitting back with my feet up…allowing life to happen for a bit more before I need to decide what to do next. And if it means that during that time I’m made to feel or look like a fool based on my faith in the intentions of other people…so be it. Because I’ve decided that I want to take that emotional leap of faith. I want to believe in someone else for a change and I am willing to fall on my face because of it.
What is it to lose if you don’t have the balls to play the game in the first place?