I’m laying in bed tonight…trying to sleep…with so many things racing through my head.
I know…I am admitting it…as soon as a relationship gets real…I take flight! But why?
I think back over my life…when I was the happiest and I’m convinced that I am NOT good with free time. I was the happiest when I was always busy…full time college student with three jobs…bartending at 5 different places at night while attending graduate school by day…then full time office manager while going for my MBA at night…bartending on weekends to help pay the bills…no time to think, no time to feel, no time to miss what was missing.
Even in Cozumel…I was a diver half the week…worked at Carlos n’ Charlie’s half the week and Senor Frog’s on weekends at night…no time to feel lonely…no time to feel bad about anything…no time to overthink anything! Just look forward to the water and diving…the silence and the beautiful outdoors.
Then we moved to Puebla…between my teaching and tutoring and family…I also was never alone. Always running around…until we decided to have a family. I was anxious about giving up my salary…so I took a job online…working from home would be a great way to help out with bills while I raised a child until he was old enough to go to school…
…but wait a minute, that never happened. (At this point, it’s not important why it didn’t…) But what I had thought was the relationship I was going to be in for the rest of my life…just ended. Still, I refused to back down. I’m not alone…I have tons of friends and the family I had met when we moved here…they would always be there for me…I wasn’t alone.
Then suddenly so many of my friends stopped including me in things because I was suddenly a single woman…they were certainly not going to invite me out with their husbands…OK, I get it. Still, I had that great family I had fallen in love with…until I realized that they were not actually my family at all…
I think back to when I felt like I was part of something that was real…I had accepted the decisions my mother had made that had lead to her leaving me…as much as I miss her everyday (especially on days when I just feel so empty…)…but I won’t let myself be mad at her for leaving me. I respect her decisions…I was more mad at her once I realized the two assholes she had left me with (aka father and brother)…but she raised me to be brave and independent and I can still do this…I’m fine.
…or am I? I feel like I was just accused of being “too clingy” a girlfriend by a guy who didn’t even use those words…he just acted like that was how I was. The nerve! That is not how I am! But my problem is not his problem…it’s my problem!
I have felt bored here…bored with being alone all the time…bored with the lack of activities here for a single 42 year old woman…frustrated with the relationship I am in which is not even a relationship! The guy actually just told me he feels as though he’s “too old” to get married. (Good thing I have never wanted to get married!)
But what is this? It’s me trying to create something for me to feel like I’m part of again…something that’s not made up…something that’s real…something for me to believe in…something to motivate me! So that I am not faced with the fact that I am truly and utterly alone in this world…I want someone in my corner, someone to go home to every night…or someone who comes home to me.
Was I always abandoned or was it just that things didn’t go my way so I just ran away from them? Is that how I feel now? Things don’t seem to be going the way I want them to…so is it time to run away?
And what way do I want them to go in?
The whole idea of me being 42 and single and without children while living in a foreign country where I still can’t grasp the language had never dawned on me before…
Do I just keep going with it? Or is it time to throw in the towel and start over again?
Is it time for me to not run away…but to just leave a situation that is just not working for me anymore and start over? (Something I’ve advised TONS of people to do for themselves!) Or am I just afraid of being abandoned again? So instead of being abandoned, then I’ll just walk away, so then I’ll feel as though it’s on my terms?
I mean, come on, what do I think? Why should anyone ever want to marry me anyway? At 42?!?! Ha! I can no longer promise a man a child…most men have already been married anyway and already have children of their own…why do I think I can offer them anything that they haven’t already had before?
Maybe it’s now time for me to walk away from relationships completely and just admit to myself that I will just never have love again. I have never been good at believing in it anyway…me and my daddy issues, again. I’ve always found such clarity while alone…that is what I need now! Clarity to decide what is best for me…without worrying about anyone else.
I know I’ve said this before…but unfortunately, I have to keep reminding myself again and again…it’s time to put my big girl panties on again and grow up!