Mind over matter. I have been giving this as advice for years. I talk to friends who have that terrible habit of not being patient for things (things I will mention in a minute), yet I don’t know how to follow my own advice.
We believe that we are above or better than whatever it is we are waiting for, so we cheat a bit. I set limits for myself – if I could get through today without losing my shit over something I can’t control, then I win. Then everything goes wrong – blackout today by 11 a.m., no way to go for a drive to calm myself because no electricity means I can’t open the garage door to pull my car out – cranky because I’m hungry – no way to cook without electricity – I eat fast food which leaves me feeling completely unsatisfied…now what?!?!
I breath and say, just a few more hours and my wi-fi will be running again so I can go back to work. I even think about the many habits I’ve had, & kicked, and wonder which one will snap me out of this mood I’m in (drinking before noon…smoking after having quit a month ago). I even think about the good habits I’ve developed (running, yoga, etc.) and wonder which one will help distract me out of my mood.
When I realize that it’s just a question of my being able to take control of myself and stay being the person I’ve turned myself into.
I think of the person I used to be – the smoking/drinking/irresponsible woman I used to be who could justify every bad decision I’ve ever made and I ask myself -> “Who are you?” Are you always going to be her? The woman with an excuse for not have gown up? Or are you finally going to be this woman you want to be – the “adult” version of that woman who was always able to do what she wanted because there was no one there to tell you it was a bad person to be? How? By not performing those self-destructive activities that may not leave a scar today, but eventually will!
How about today I decide to turn over a new leaf? (Again!) Today, I decide to stop being the woman who breaks the rules just for the sake of breaking them with seemingly positive results. We all know that it’s always best not to eat the chocolate cake – even if no one is watching. We understand how difficult it is to be the strong one (to not call that guy you miss) because the end result (no matter what it is) is always better if you wait. (I mean, no matter how long you have to wait – the result is just always better than rushing something that is just not mean to be.)
I have said it before and I will say it again – better single than in the wrong relationship. And if you can’t just be a better person for yourself – if you need a man in your life in order to convince yourself he’s why you need to be a better person, then that is a problem right there!
And that is what I am talking about today. Because today I want to be the day I choose to turn over a new leaf…to become a good person with good habits from now on. And not for anyone, except myself. So it is now that I am going to flip my own script to stop saying to myself – well, maybe tomorrow I’ll stop – and start saying, never again. I am 42 years old and it is time for me to start acting like it.
It is time to truly turn myself into the person who is perfectly satisfied with how my life is – regardless of geography. I am now ok without wild nights at bars – with only peaceful nights at home. I am ok with all those crazy nights behind me. Nights I can remember fondly but know they are a thing of my past, not of my future. It is time for me to start spending my time doing good things for others – whether they be people or animals. Talking to those who still think that a night out of drinking trumps a night of yoga and good food at home…volunteer work or taking a class.
I don’t suffer from depression – and probably never will. But what I do suffer from is my habit of overthinking based on what I expect from those around me. In my mind, I think that different people in my life “owe” me something – an effort to see me, the ability to be able to always say the “right” thing – the effort to make me feel better – without me considering how they might feel.
I play victim to what the “men” in my life do or say – finding it easy to be insulted without explaining to them what they did or said that was so wrong or how it made me feel. When or how did our circumstances change which resulted in my heightened level of expectation? And was that their fault or mine? Why do I always put it on them? Why do I suddenly shift the responsibility for my own well-being from myself to the man in my life? How sexist is that of me?
I want to say that when I’m single, I am in total charge of my life – my responsibilities, who I am, what I say and do. Yet for some reason, anytime I am with someone – my mind goes from me thinking, “I want to be that perfect woman for that new perfect guy.” to “Because he is so irresponsible to me and our relationship, then it’s ok for me to be the same.” As though I lose myself and who I am inside that relationship. So what is my conclusion? In order to stay authentic to who I am, then that means I need to stay single and without the distraction of a second person in my life. I need to go back to being satisfied with a night of yoga to stay in shape…to maintain the person who I am…without there needing to be a man at the end telling me that what I’m doing is good.
I need to be a good person just for the sake of being a good person and just let that be the result I am looking for…because if I need that reflected back to me by someone else, I am never going to find it.