I always feel, when I blog, as though I am always circling a specific issue that I can’t quite grasp. I say all the time how when I sit down to blog, it’s because I am feeling an emotion that I need to write about…but when I am proofing my blog, it ends up being about something else.
For example, I specifically remember having written about what makes us happy in a blog called “Happiness…what makes you happy?” which I wrote back in October 2017. I remember talking about how our happiness is dependent on the decisions we make. I also wrote about how we might define happiness in a blog called “Happiness…how do you define it?” when I talked about how we define the things or actions of others that might lead to what we believe to be our own happiness. That was in February of this year.
But, let’s face it…that’s just a load of crap!
Now, I know I have said this during at least one blog…the secret to happiness is to just decide that you are happy. I wake up in the morning and I just consciously say to myself…”Today is going to be a good day…today, I have things to do and accomplishing those things will make me happy. And it is ok if everything is not fine.” End of story! Sure, we all love to have people in our lives who might help us stay happy…for those of us who need gratification from others. But in the end, it’s just us satisfying a certain inside desire to check something off of our list of things to do. And that means…that it is within us where we can find our happiness.
I have been through three relationships in the past 2 1/2 years…some wouldn’t even say they were relationships at all. They were more like roller coasters. I would meet a man…he would be all excited to be part of my life…the sex would be great…then I would start expecting something from him. I would add to my list of daily accomplishments the need to feel wanted in his life…the need for me to feel “part of another person’s life.” Which, of course, makes no sense…unless that man did not have a job to go to, which I could not be part of…had his own apartment where he lived alone…this man was incapable of feeding himself. And it was not that the man didn’t necessarily think of me or miss me…it was that he never told me how much he needed me.
Um…what the hell is wrong with me?!?! I have a job and responsibilities…and what am I, a wet nurse? Why suddenly would I have this need to save another person? Why did I suddenly need to feel needed? Aha! Because that would make me happy? Knowing that someone else was dependent on me? Couldn’t live without me? That was just the recipe for failure because it was never possible! I would then play the victim…he doesn’t care for me anymore, no one cares if I live or die…until the relationship ended and I was able to feel free again…which I would announce from the rooftops!
Free? But I thought I cared for these men! Why would me being single equate to me also feeling free?
Aha! Because it now means that I could just turn to myself to find my own happiness. My need to be recognized by another human being is now out the window because there is no longer a man in my life…who needs me…misses me…can’t live without me (yes, I know that’s my version of my own delusional relationship that would give me a purpose). Now, if I am unhappy (which I haven’t been for a bit now), it is because I am the one who is not delivering to myself the things I need to make me happy. If I am feeling lazy and tired…I KNOW that the best cure for that is actually to go running or exercise which actually boosts my serotonin levels. Serotonin is the chemical in our brain that helps regulate mood and social behavior, appetite and digestion, sleep, memory, and sexual desire and function. Wow!
Just today I was recounting to my cuz my life of me having always taken care of myself physically. Between the years spent living in NYC when I went to a gym 3-4 times per week…to the three years I spent diving in Cozumel when I carried tanks daily between my Insanity workouts up until now when I literally run or do yoga at least 5 times per week…I realize now that what I was doing was keeping my own serotonin levels almost artificially high! And do you know what? It has always worked for me!
I was upset a few weeks ago…a sudden end to another short-lived relationship which lead to me feeling lazy and tired and not wanting to run or do yoga. Feeling depressed and just disappointed by another man performing the same as all the others. Not expressing to me how he felt at a time when I felt my life had become empty. And granted, any therapist will tell you, that is not his job! That’s my job! If my life is empty, then it is up to me to become inspired and fill it! If I am feeling unhappy…where should I find this happiness? You know it…within myself! So I run and do yoga for several days in a row…force myself really! And guess what! I do not feel so bad anymore.
Next week, one of my favorite people in the world is scheduled to get married to her Prince Charming. I am so happy for this friend of mine…someone who I equate to be like a sister to me! Someone who I was so positive with during one of the hardest times in her life! And here I was feeling bad…lonely…depressed! What the hell is wrong with me?!?! I need to do whatever I have to in order to become the woman she loves and admires again in order to be able to share her special day with her!
And do you know what? Do you know how I now know I have to do that? I have to do that alone. I have to be the authentic, brilliant, brave and independent woman I was (and have always been while being single and alone) because that is who I am and who she remembers me being.
So let’s stop circling the drain of emotions here and let’s talk about what I am referring to! Life is based on choices…life is based on the people around us…those we choose to put there and those that are there by default. But life is also based on ourselves and our own perspective of it! I am single and alone but I am headed to me being the happiest I have been in a long time. Why? Because I am no longer waiting for a man to call me to tell me he misses me or loves me or can’t wait to see me…those words that actually do artificially boost our serotonin levels. (Because in the end, let’s face it, there is no such thing as happy endings.) I now know that if I am going to be happy, it is up to me…and only me…to bring me there. And no therapist is going to help me deal with my daddy issues or abandonment problems any better than I will deal with them myself.
Because I know they are there and I know when those nasty emotions flare up from the dark. And I know how to deal with them and how to quell that fire. Because I am the one who was there when it was set.
So for those of you who are in successful relationships…I applaud you! But please remember that you need to put yourself first! Before that man in your life…because if you fall apart while taking care of him, then you are no use to anyone else…including yourself!