I just figured out what keeps me together. (Yes, I did learn the expression from a T.V. show…but it really resonated with me.) In the past 6 months, I feel as though I have been through some pretty emotional trauma. It began with me thinking I had found a new man to fill the hole left by another…only to realize that I was skipping steps when it came to men and my relationships with them. I wanted a relationship that happened just by adding water and stirring. As though that was all I need to do to put myself back into the relationship I had worked 5 years to create and lose.
I kept trying to remember who I had been 6 years ago…the type of person I had been who had room in their life for another person. I kept trying to see if it was just a question of my being able to “fit” him in. I stopped seeing one guy because he lived on the other side of town and it would mean if we lived together that I would have to move. And I did not want to move!
Then I thought about the type of man the guy was…was he smart and stimulating enough? Was he too controlling? I mean, it couldn’t have been me that was the problem, it had to be something wrong with him, right?
Was the sex happening too fast? Before I had gotten to know the guy and was I thinking with the incorrect part of my body when deciding if I was in the right relationship? Was it that I was lonely or bored? How? I have a dog! How could I be lonely? (Isn’t that what they say to women dying for a boyfriend who are lonely? For them to go out and get a dog!) Was I missing the conversations I used to have with my co-workers everyday while at work? And since I had this guy in my life who I was willing to have sex with then the payoff was just that he had to fill my life with stimulating conversation?
These are the types of questions I’ve been asking myself. And yes, I have agreed to return to NYC where I can make friends with everyone around me again…work in an office/restaurant/wherever…a place filled with people with whom I can talk to everyday while at work.
Until I have found myself completely isolating myself from everyone around me here.
And I believe it really is because I am so busy trying to keep myself together with scotch tape and glue. I am an emotional mess! I want the fairy tale…don’t get me wrong! But I want it for the right reasons. Not because I’m lonely and would talk to a door knob! I want the fairy tale while also doing what I love to do, professionally. I want the best friend I can come home to everyday to talk about my life with and who wants to talk about his. I understand that we are all like onions…multi-layered…and that we each take a long time to be able to trust people.
But I want to believe that my initial assessment of a man is correct and deserving of my love…instead of rushing things because in my mind I’ve already put us 6 months into the future. And don’t get me wrong…every man I meet always tells me how easy I am to talk to…what great company I am. Until the day when I break down emotionally. I suddenly imagine that there is more to what we have together than what there is. And why, you might ask!
Because I have turned my life into the fact that I have nothing else going on in my life. I hang everything on these poor guys I keep meeting. I keep making them the reason why I do or don’t do things. Things like returning to NYC where I belong…things like dating other men before I am actually in an exclusive relationship…and to stop thinking that sex makes it exclusive automatically. (And maybe the knowledge that until it is an exclusive relationship, to stop having sex so quickly!)
I mean if I want to be with my “best friend,” then I need to allow myself the time for us to become best friends before we are sex buddies. While it might not blur things for me, it tends to for most men. And that is when my scotch tape and glue tend to unstick. I feel as though if I am in a relationship serious enough to be exclusive, then the man should know that I am an emotional mess. That I have so many faults…daddy and abandonment issues, I keep emotions compartmentalized and then I cry A LOT!
Life can suck! And yes, I know, someone who looks like me should not be allowed to say that. (And I’m not being stuck up, I just keep hearing how “good” I look for my age…whatever that means!) But what sucks is that I fly through relationships too quickly. Why? Because I just want them to be “fine.” I want them to last. I want them to be fairy tales that will last forever. I keep mentally trying to fit myself into their lives and schedules, regardless of the things that are wrong with them or why they were alone to begin with.
I have to remember that they are not in my life to just listen to me…that I have to start asking the right questions up front, without assuming they are the perfect man for me…just because! I have to reveal to them that I am really just held together emotionally by scotch tape and glue and that if they are not up to helping me, that they may want to find a different hobby. (And I need to do this before the sex happens…I need to do this before I allow my body to fall in love with them.)
It’s almost academic, really. It’s like a job interview…and even if I don’t know if the guy is the “right” guy, I still have to ask the questions about their future and even their current life to see if they pass that test first. If I have learned anything in the past 6 months, it is that I need to add more to my life than just good sex. I need a confidant and a friend. Because I am convinced that once I’ve found that, then the sex will of course be mind-blowing!
But the work is in finding the right “friend.” It has to be someone who I can trust with my crap (and trust me, there is a lot of it!). It has to be someone who is capable of “caring” for me on those days when I don’t want to be the warrior everyone else sees in me. Someone who allows me to admit out loud that I am afraid of the dark (…I’m not really, but you get the point)…someone who wants to spend time with me, have fun with me…make mistakes with me without blaming me for them. Someone who helps to motivate me on days when I am too emotionally tired to motivate myself to keep it together.
I believe that this is easy for me to find…as soon as I realize how to do it. I can’t always seem as though everything is always ok when it isn’t. I have to stand up for myself more than I have without being afraid that I am going to lose this man for speaking about how I feel. Life is complicated and dramatic and emotional…but it doesn’t have to be if we have someone we can talk about it with…a best friend. And someone who is willing to share their crap with you so that you can also see that it’s not just complicated and emotional in your life but also in his.
I literally tell myself how nice it is everyday to be alone…no one to have to “care” for. But it’s only “care” if it’s with the wrong guy. Otherwise, it’s just loving them…which should be easy, so long as you let them love you back. And love every side to you…the good, the bad, the ugly and broken parts as well. And I know that it’s up to me to love those parts of me first, I just still don’t know how…that’s what the scotch tape and glue are for!