I know, a lot of people dream about being married and having children…a house, a family…people to wake up to, children who look like them who they can raise into responsible adults. I get that a lot of people have that dream…from birth! To wake up next to someone.
Funny thing…I never had that dream for myself. I never imagined myself with a brood of kids calling me “Mommy.” I never imagined a house with a white picket fence and a yard that needed to be mowed with a tree house and a swing set…or car seats to install or garbage that had to be taken out everyday. I never thought that would ever be part of my life. And nothing against anyone who did have that dream…it was just never for me.
I actually think about what I did dream for myself. I did not grow up with pink unicorns and rainbows…so dreams were different for me. And yet, I am constantly altering my existence…going on new adventures with drastic changes in my lifestyle…and knowing that it is something or someplace that will create huge obstacles for myself…but knowing that I can overcome them. I have always said that the shortest distance between two points has never been a straight line for me. And I will always have to say that…but I always end up with my feet planted firmly on the ground…wherever that ground might be.
I am not one to say that I didn’t, for a brief moment, think that whole “family” thing was where I was headed. I was in love with a man and his family so much that I actually now realize that I lost myself and who I was just to make that happen. When in the end, neither of us were destined for that life. He is so happy and accomplished in the life he now leads, which he never imagined could have included “a family” that he would have been forced to leave behind. He knew that his life could not include people he would have to be apart from…whether he realized it then, or now or will in the future. And he claimed to have seen my unhappiness in all that I had sacrificed to fit me, round screw, into that square hole. That same square hole he couldn’t imagine himself ever being able to fit himself into either.
I can say, that if I was ever going to do all those things (you know, childbirth, nursing, getting fat, hosting holiday parties, car pooling to soccer games and packing lunches), I still swear I would have done all of those things for him. But in the end, I am glad that neither of us had to do any of those things that would have left us both unhappy and unsatisfied with our lives, resenting the other, probably. I look at both of us and see that we both share that need to do our own thing, without needing to worry about who we leave home when we leave in the morning, who might need to be tended to, fed or walked within the next 24 hours. And that is OK!
I don’t need a “home” to go home to every night. I have always been one who just needed a place where I can hang my clothes, sleep and shower in the morning before heading out into my day. I think about the life that is still in front of me and the many opportunities that are waiting for me. I think about how I am once again able to choose where I will go…knowing I will hit several bumps in the road because that is how my life has always been. And I know that I got this!
I remember being in my early 20’s and saying to myself, I want a picture of where I will be when I grow up. I want to know where my destiny will take me. Will I end up in that beautiful bedroom community filled with houses that have so many rooms that there is no way to spend more than an hour in any of them without the other rooms feeling neglected? A library…where we read…a study where we study…a TV room where we watch TV…a dining room…where we dine…a kitchen where we breakfast…a bedroom where we sleep…a gym where we work out…a bathroom where we bathe…a rec room where we REC???…surrounded by a garden where we garden…do I need to go on? There is no need for that! Give me a one room apartment and a world where I can do all those things outside my house and I am thrilled!
I mean you can’t fit most of my life experiences into a room so it’s a good thing I was never sold on that theory! I just want a place where I can sleep, shower and hang my clothes needed to prepare me for the adventure meant for me to have on that day. I don’t care what my furniture looks like…what brand or model fridge I own…or who stitched my carpets! I am just not there yet…and probably never will be. And while I once wanted to see a picture of where my life was going to take me, 20 years later, I see myself still traveling so fast that no one could even catch me in a still shot, anyway.
So whose dream is that? I don’t know if it was a dream or an image that everyone kept trying to race to. But I guess I never wasted time “dreaming” of anything for my future, because so many things have landed in my lap that I could never have dreamed of that it is better that I spent my life doing something else. I continue to roll with the punches I still face everyday and continue to get up and brush myself off to face yet another day and I go with wherever life takes me. And I feel bad for those who dream to have the life I have…because all it takes is to have the faith that it will all work out…as it always has!
I tell everyone…stop chasing dreams and just live the life you love! And if, when you look in the mirror, there is something you don’t like, then change it…because no one else ever will. That is your job and responsibility to yourself!