As human beings, we really are strange creatures. So many of us depend on other people to help us out of a bad day. We rely on the people in our lives…our friends, spouses, children, roommates…to help us shake a rough day off at the end of the day. We are incapable of seriously taking control of our own emotions. But regardless, anyone who doesn’t love the highs of life and survive the lows in life, must be comatose.
So whose job is it today to cheer me up? Having had a tough day at work…politics and personalities being thrown around my new workplace has ended up exhausting me today. As the new kid on the block, my teammates are curious about why I am having one-on-one sessions with our shared supervisor. Maybe they are concerned that I am divulging their poor work habits…or maybe I am being interviewed about what our team is doing. Maybe I am putting my nose where it does not belong.
While none of these scenarios is true, it is still hard to return to my work station after a “one-on-one session” with my supervisor without being grilled and questioned about what it was that we discussed…with no answer being one that my workmate does not jump on with her defensive personality.
Regardless, I am good at bullshitting my way out of any conversation, but afterwards, I am tired…emotionally, mentally, almost feeling violated with regard to my intentions…as pure as they actually may be. This leaves me pensive…in need of a joke…someone to conduct therapy on me…someone I can either unload on or someone with whom I can just laugh with…without even mentioning my exhaustive day at work.
So whose job is is today? I live alone (granted I have 4 roommates, but it is not their job to cheer me up…they have their own shit to deal with), and I have begun to isolate myself from the world again. Forever believing that I can survive this alone…just as I have survived countless other bad days, experiences and misunderstandings based on bad communication.
I am, at the same time, learning some new methods of survival. For one, you don’t have to survive life alone. Friends are there for you to share bad days with…that is what the definition of a friend is. So why don’t I share my life with those who are my friends? My do I isolate myself from those who probably have similar ad days as I do? People whose stories I might be able to resonate with?
I honestly can’t answer that question. And don’t get me wrong…I am capable of remembering the days when I set myself out to accomplish all of the things that I have accomplished because I just did it again 4 months ago…and believe me when I tell you that I am thrilled with the life and job and apartment and even social standing I have in this lonely city we call NYC. There is nothing happening or not happening in my life that I am not prepared for or ready to tackle.
Saying this, though…we all do still have low days and we all do still fall into the bad, learned patterns of turning to those around us to cheer us up. And when no one is there, we blame ourselves…we blame others for not being there when we need them…we get more down and sadder than we were and we lose track of what our emotions are really even concentrating on.
I literally have to force myself to sit down, think about why I am upset…recognizing the fact that it is clouding my judgment and decision-making mechanism into performing bad acts against myself. Instead of breaking it down for myself and seeing that I have a shit-load more to be grateful of than I do to be upset about…that I have so much to live for and so many blessings in my life…I allow myself to turn to the dark side and decide that running and yoga is not what I want to do but that I’d rather smoke a cigarette or eat junk food because that is what will give me the spontaneous gratification my being is searching for.
Who do I blame that on? There really is only one person I can blame that one…and that is…you know it…myself.
Today, I started an amazingly enlightening book…one that I know will help me to change me out of these dark habits I am reverting back. Yet, where is that book? In my bag. What am i doing instead? Sitting here trying to understand how and why I am still finding myself to be a victim to my old bad habits. And why should my well-being be anyone else’s job except my own? I think back to the days when I had better discipline…while other aspects of my life were so lacking. Maybe the self-discipline was came from the fact that my life was actually in shambles and the only thing I had going right in my life was my own well-being. Like I would say, “It’s ok that I have a shitty job, living paycheck to paycheck with no room for professional advancement or any type of successful relationship with any of the men in my life because at least I am in good shape and take super good care of my self.”
Talk about overcompensating! When will all of the pieces in my life all turn into me being a complete package of well-being? Or is that just an illusion we tell ourselves might happen when we “grow up”? And is that ok? For us to always be flexible and dynamic to change? Is that the healthier way to be anyway? That there is just no such thing as perfection (something I do actually say all the time). Is it that no matter what we want for ourselves or for our lives, we still are never satisfied so be careful when all the pieces fall into place because then we might ask ourselves…now what?
Or maybe that is what I am afraid of. For everything to actually be exactly how I want it to be…because then I might get bored again?
This blog has been a stream of thought in which I have really explored so many questions that have been running through my head during the past few months as I have seen so many parts of my life truly working out the way I had wanted them to…truly showing me that sometimes it’s scary to get what we want…while at the same time losing control of parts of my life that had not been broken to begin with.
I guess now is the time when I just need to focus and remind myself what my priorities are…what is most important to me and weed out the unimportant things that really are irrelevant. But I can tell you now, my physical well-being has got to come back…which I know will lead to me feeling more mentally and emotionally prepared to deal with everything else.